Average Jane



I am the Unknown

Since I was a child, I lived in fear. At a very young age it became apparent that I was afraid of dogs. The neighborhood kids had a fun game of bringing a dog to my front porch, ringing the bell, and running away. Bless their little hearts. Next, I learned the hard way that I was also scared of clowns. It followed then that I was afraid of most masked furry things, as well, most notably Chuck E. Cheese. My mother postulates that it was because of this fear that I never went to birthday parties as a child, and hence never fully developed key social skills. To be fair, I believe her. I have never been great in social situations, but I fake it really well.

My nickname in many circles is “Crazy Lisa,” and for due reason. I say things that shouldn’t be said; I do things that many people wouldn’t think to do. Is this because I am fearless? You may be imaginging the wrong kind of fear. The fears I hold so deeply as an adult are far different than the fear of men in makeup that I held as a child. Perhaps, though, it laid the foundation for what would later become a propensity to fear. Now my fears are far greater: failure, rejection, loneliness, intimacy, trust, love… My fears seem to feed eachother; a symbiotic relationship.

My fear of change, however, is one that is overreaching. The unknown, the great abyss of life, has kept me anchored to a very sad existence for far too long. That wall over there, the one that shelters me from all things new and dangerous, is moving closer as I get older. It is capturing me in a place of anger and resentment. I have had opportunities to escape the life, the job, the people I hate, and I have turned them down. Each one. One after another. Excuse #1, Excuse #2, Excuse #3, they lull me to sleep at night. I want out of this life. I want to follow my heart to where my passions lie. I want to know my heart well enough to find my passions. I want to stop fearing life and just go live it, but I can’t. I turn down opportunity after opportunity. I turn down my way out of this job, out of this hell… but this hell I know.

Is the saying true, “Better the devil you know (than the devil you don’t)…”?

Where do fears come from and how do I escape mine? How do you face the fear of trust unless you trust someone? How do you overcome a fear of intimacy unless you let someone get to know you? How do you stop fearing love until you let someone love you?

How can I change when I fear it so much?

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Comments

  1. * Jessica:) says:

    Lisa, you’re such an amazing writer. Keep it up! I’m getting set to write another today…so I guess you better keep thinking too! All my love, and amazing job, as always!

    | Reply Posted 11 years, 4 months ago
  2. * Anonymous says:

    I am so proud of you for this… -Mat

    | Reply Posted 11 years, 4 months ago


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