Average Jane

I am not a tragedy

I have made mistakes in my life… more than I’d like to admit, to be fair. I’ve hurt a lot of people. I’ve made poor choices. I’ve not been the best daughter. I’ve not been the best friend.

But I have tried hard to change.

I hate to bring up religion, but let me say this: one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned from Judaism is that life is a verb. It takes more than repenting to God to be forgiven. It takes a life change. It takes asking forgiveness of those you have wronged. It takes becoming better and not repeating the mistakes you’ve made.

Why do I bring this up? Sometimes, these transgressions I’ve committed against those people I cherish most in my life seem to be the reson that so much bad luck has befallen me in my short, short life.

For those of you who don’t know, last week I was told that I was no longer required at my job. They were hiring someone else to do what I do. They weren’t going to fire me, but rather wait for me to resign. I guess I took too long. Then, they wanted to hire me as a contractor to do my work part time from home without benefits. No, it doesn’t make sense. This event came after I signed a year lease on an apartment for which I may not be able to get out. I have lost money, I have lost pride. I have lost faith in myself.

At times my work faltered. At times, I could have been a better employee, a better colleague, a better friend to my coworkers. I should have been more respectful, I shouldn’t have openened my mouth, or gotten an attitude, or spoken out of turn.

I shouldn’t have signed a lease. I should have quit my job a year ago. I shouldn’t take it out on my friends. I shouldn’t take it out on myself.

Life is a verb. I am changing. I want to find work that I love. I want to be the best friend/daughter/girlfriend I can be. I want to follow my dream. I want to be healthy. I want to be respected. I want to know what I do so wrong so often that makes my life so difficult. I don’t know why so many things fall on my plate at the same time.

Are these my tests? Am I holy yet? Have I proven my worth to the world?

Can I please rest now?

For all of you who have stuck by me through my near homelessness, my depression, my tears, my laughter, my inappropriate behavior, my harsh words, my bad job, my parents, my brother, my piercings, my life… Thank you. Please be patient. I am trying to change.

I am an action.

Life is a verb.


Trackbacks & Pingbacks


  1. * Joey O. says:

    Oh mann….I wish you the best of luck gal.

    | Reply Posted 11 years, 10 months ago
  2. * Jessica:) says:

    Oh Knish, I am so sorry! I know it’s not as good, but here’s a BIG hug from across the world. You WILL get through this. You are one of the strongest people I know, and you will get through this gracefully and come out happier than you were before. I miss you!!

    | Reply Posted 11 years, 10 months ago

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