Average Jane



Michael Jackson Sings to Me

How many people out there can say they have a Birthday Song just for them? Michael Jackson took time out of his busy life to compose one just for me! “Lisa it’s your birthday! Happy Birthday Lisa!” Yeah, I know. Wrong Lisa, but whatever. That’s like telling me that J.B. (my ultimate high school crush) wasn’t singing to me during his Mr. Wootton performance. Or that Jeremy Shockey didn’t wait for me to get on the elevator that day. Seriously, people. Stop being jealous. =)

I’m 25 today. Feel free to sing. Mom called first thing this morning. She forgot to wish me happy birthday. 2 voicemails and a phone call before 8:30am and no mention. It’s ok. She’s busy. I made breakfast, did my workout, had a snack, caught up on Dancing with the Stars, then I started knitting.

Knitting. My grandma. She knit. I used her needles and yarn. Looked through her books. She tried teaching me so many times, but I am not that talented. Not like her. She could knit socks for a small army from her hospital bed. She was amazing. Then I started crying.

Tears just started streaming down my face, uncontrollably. Big cool tears leaving a trail of pain on the warm flushed cheeks of my sad and lonely face. I have lost so much this year.

First Mimi, the most amazing warm loving caring amazing woman you’ll ever meet. My mother’s best friend. Her sister. Her everything. She never missed a holiday. Never missed a birthday.

Then I lost my grandmother. So strong. So brave. The rock of our family. The grandmother every child wants. The trifecta: cook, gambler, confidant. By confidant I mean you couldn’t tell her anything without the whole family knowing.

Then I lost my apartment. I had to move. It was broken. And expensive. I thought I could find a new place to live that I could afford but I couldn’t. It was too late to recant on my decision to leave. Then I was duped by two prospective roommates. Finally, I rented an apartment. Two days later…

Then I lost my job. It was a job that needed losing. It was stealing my soul, robbing me of my sanity. But I was supposed to be in control. I was supposed to get up and walk out. Instead, they started to interview for my position before telling me I’d no long be holding it.

Then I lost my health insurance. Policy after policy I was denied. Time after time telling me I was too damaged to insure.

So today is my birthday and all of this starts to rain down on me. All of my loss. All of my pain. All of my uncertainty. But today, today is supposed to be the best day of the year.

I do love birthdays. Not the presents. Not the flowers. I love the idea that for one day you are to be celebrated. I love that for one day people come out of the woodworks to tell you how wonderful you are and let you know they still care. I love the (obligatory) smile that comes across a stranger’s face when they hear someone wishing you Happy Birthday and chime in with a Happy Birthday of their own. I love the kind words that people share that you’ve needed all year but wait for 365 days to hear.

Birthdays are the one thing everyone celebrates (except Jehovah’s Witnesses, I think). It’s a unifier. It’s an unadulterated happy day. Except for me. Except today. Today I cry. It, too, will pass.

I have so much to be happy for: I got health insurance today. I got starbucks gift card from my aunt. I got an e-card from Jessica (her cards are the best). I got flowers from my Debi (my sister. my friend. my heart.) I got a note on the bathroom mirror from Chris. My family is coming on Monday. My dad is going to get help. My mom is going to hug me. My grandma is going to give me a big wet kiss. I went to the punking patch this year. And apple picking. And to New York City where I had the best weekend of my entire life. I learned a can talk to animals. (there’s video proof!). I have the best friends in the world (and they are all over the world). I have my health. I have people who LOVE me and CARE about me and are THERE for me.

And… I have a special birthday song, just for me.

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