Average Jane



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There was a time when I was articulate and strong. A time when I had more to say on this blog than talk about heartbreak. As a matter of fact (and please don’t check on this), my blog has been miraculously love-free since its inception. Then, I met Chris. This gentle man who took me into his life and allowed me to fight all the demons I had in a safe place: in his arms. He accepted that I could not love, didn’t know how to love. He walked away when I got neurotic. He understood that I could not trust, had never trusted, and may never trust. He let me harp on him about things I had no right to harp on him about. But things began to fall apart, and after 7 months I ended the relationship. Then, a month later, I ended it again. And now, 2 months later, it’s over.

I used to be articulate and now all I can think about is how empty I feel. How bad I feel about all that has traspired. How all I want is for him to be in my life in any capacity he’ll have me.

I used to be strong and independent. Hyper independent. The kind of independent that starts to make a deserted island look like home. Then, I became a half. In psychology, they call the coupling nature “we-ness”. The concept that you lose the “I” and become a “we”. It’s an interesting theory and one that I never felt all that comfortable with. He was ok with that. I was not. He’s right. I don’t compromise. I must be in control. I am a planner.

I am not going to be “that girl” who says, “Sigh, I am doomed to be alone.” I am not doomed to be alone. Up until Chris, I had dated maybe 3 people. I met Chris on an airplane coming home from a tragic funeral. My mom’s best friend had died, and the funeral was held on my mom’s birthday. Chris was there for me as I grieved, and then again 2 months later when my grandmother passed away. We met at an intense time, and moved in together under intense circumstances. We had an intense relationship. But at some point, I just realized that I couldn’t do it any longer. We broke up. And now I’m a mess.

I used to be strong an articulate and now I am that girl who goes on an on about her ex boyfriend and I hate that. I am not that girl. And I don’t know what to do about it.

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  1. * 123Valerie says:

    After months of therapy, I’ve learned that it’s okay to be “that girl.” The only time that feelings are bad is when we try to ignore them, kiddo.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 4 months ago


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