Average Jane



My gut is not my master

This post is dedicated to 123Valerie but don’t tell her… she’s very humble.

This afternoon I had a “gut attack”. This is when my stomach gets all grumbly and my head gets all cloudy and all of a sudden the world seems like it’s out to get me. At this point, I convince myself that my “gut is trying to tell me something” along the lines of “go home and hide under the couch because something bad will happen if you go out”. This can also be interpreted as “don’t go out with these people, they clearly don’t want you there, you’re not welcome, so make up an excuse and GO HOME!”

I was about to go home, truly, tail between my legs, convinced that I was unwelcome amongst this particular group of people, when 123Valerie essentially told me to get over myself. In a really sweet and considerate way. I needed it.

See, despite my outward strength, quite frequently I have the emotional maturity of a 14 year old girl, desperate for acceptance. Coupled with my crippling anxiety, this can be disastrous. What I need at that point of no return is a swift kick in the pants. Very few people can do that. Most people just say “oh, alright, well, see ya later” but somehow Val knew.

With her vote of confidence, I ventured out. My tail remained between my legs until I realized that, just maybe, they did want me there. It ended up being a lovely happy-hour-type-girly-gigglefest at local bar. We talked about food and work and dildos. All the makings of a perfect day. However, at that point, I was still kinda miffed that my St. Patrick Day-Night plans were non-existent. My luck (o’ the oirish) was about to change…

Whilst there, I was called by The Princess who invited me to “games and fondue” night at her friends’ Brock and Josh’s where I won Trivial Pursuit (WHAT WHAT!) and had the most delicious fondue with itty bitty pickles and broccoli.

On the way home I got a call from an old friend. He was at a bar that I dared not go back to. And to be honest, given my history with this old friend, I probably shouldn’t have gone to see him either. But I have been stronger these days than I’ve ever been and so, on my way home, I stopped by this devil-bar, saw my old friend, and had a lovely time.

Disobeying my gut is not something I typically do, but I think, looking back on the day, its been a crutch. “No, I don’t want to try that new thing/go out with those new people/venture to that new part of town. I just have a bad feeling about it.” That’s a lot easier than saying, “I’m scared, I’m nervous, I don’t feel in control…”

Easy isn’t cutting it anymore. 123Valerie doesn’t like being called out for being a good friend. Humble one that she is. Today, she was more than a good friend… she was my teacher. She was the kick in the pants that I needed not just to go to get drinks with new people, but the kick in the pants that I needed to move on with my life.

Thank you, Val.

This year is my year, damn it.

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  1. Part 2 - My gut is my master, indeed « Average Jane pingbacked on 10 years, 7 months ago

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