Average Jane

Breaking News….

The last few days have sucked. I haven’t watched the news because what they are reporting just isn’t news anymore. I wouldn’t go to a sushi restaurant serving burritos, and I won’t watch news that isn’t actually relevant or fact based.

Around 3:45pm yesterday, I made the following comment on Magic Jewball:

My biggest fear when something big and horrible happens is that the news media will skip over the obvious “Crazy People + Guns: Still A Bad Combo” and right for overanalyzing… umm… misanalyzing the entire situation. I fear what they will have to say about the shooter: nationality, upbringing, socioeconomic status, video game playing habits, musical preference… Blame the school for not reacting fast enough, blame the police for not stopping the shooter, blame the students for not subduing him….

How about blaming the shooter for killing 32 + people senselessly. How about shutting up and letting the family and friends of the victims grieve.

Today is a day of death and rememberance. Not a day of blame.

By 7:00ish, NoShowMo saw my prediction come true.

So, I would like to throw a bone to the “news” media, as I like to think that I am a kind and generous person. Below, please find a list of possible situations I could find myself in, and a list of rationale the media can use to obfuscate the truth in said situations. Ya know, just stuff they can run in the nightly reports until they actually find out what happened.

Please, if I ever do anything stupid/end up in a home/become imprisoned/etc, could you please pass this list along to your neighborhood smutmonger to publish on my behalf? And please ask them to use all socioeconomic and religious reasons first. They get the most unwarranted attention, and will garner the best ratings. Whatever I’m a PR major. I am always out to make their jobs easier.

The List:

Average Jane robs a bank: She clearly didn’t need the money, growing up in an upper middle class suburban neighborhood, but she is Jewish, so she probably robbed the bank to prevent anyone else from getting the money… so she and her people can continue to take over the world.

Average Jane swerves to miss cat crossing the road and careens into a ravine: In an effort to not dent her car, the privileged Jew chose to run her car into the ravine in order to collect insurance money and become a local celebrity.

Average Jane hits cat crossing the road: So distracted by her plans to take over the world, this well educated, well-off suburbanite Jewess hit a poor innocent cat who had recently been given an award for saving her family from a burning building.

Average Jane has miscarriage: After working for years to protect the rights of women, Average Jane couldn’t possible have an abortion, so she purposefully threw herself down the stairs to cause her poor unborn fetus to abort.

Average Jane shot by evangelicals: For years, Average Jane has been proudly professing to be a “good Jew”, but after refusing to sing decorate easter eggs, do gift exchange at work, or ‘get into the christmas spirit,’ she had it coming to her. No one likes a grinch.

Average Jane donates blood and platelets to Red Cross then faints: She thought that she’d get paid for her blood and platelets, and after realizing that this was not the case, she had a hysterical fit and passed out, only to disrupt the rest of the blood collection and causing dozens to die from lack of available blood.

Alright, alright… you get the point. No need to beat anyone over the head.

The point: The media have nothing better to do than make up news. We think we as a  society want to know everything… that we deserve to know everything. If the technology exists to have real time knowledge of world events, then why shouldn’t we utilize it?

Because of the sacrifices we make.

Until we can maintain the quality of news in our quest for quantity of news, then maybe we don’t deserve that access.

Just a thought.


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  1. * Carrie M says:

    I will be first in line to tell the news all of these things, as I’ve actually suspected these things for some time.


    My friend and I were watching the special reports by WUSA while we were eating lunch yesterday and it was just horrible how they kept looping useless footage and just talked to hear themselves. The Chinese national story from the Chicago Sun Times? Really? Fucking shut up everyone. Report the news, and like you said, let these people grieve.

    | Reply Posted 11 years, 2 months ago
  2. * I-66 says:

    You forgot [/rant]

    | Reply Posted 11 years, 2 months ago
  3. It’s definitly silly to start blaming his being korean american, having wrote that or that… The guy was sure damaged good, and he certainly needed psychiatric care, but take the same scenario, just take out the guns… the guys comes in a class room with whatever he found to do his killing frenzy thing, a knife or something, stabs someone, gets disarmed and controled by the rest of the bunch, end of the story. Sad but not that much of a tragedy.
    I still can’t believe people are able to get guns that easily in the u.s.a, I never saw a gun in my entire life (beside maybe some hunting rifles), and will never be allowed to own one, which is a funking great thing I must say, there would be blood on the streets here if people had guns(here being france)…>__> …or maybe not, but anyway, I’m really grateful it’s all forbidden here.
    Good luck with changing things on the other side of the antlantic.

    | Reply Posted 11 years, 2 months ago
  4. * kylydia says:

    I don’t know why I continue to be amazed at the unending, stooping ever lower, shit that we now call news.

    | Reply Posted 11 years, 2 months ago

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