Average Jane



Tell me lies…

It seems like forever since Blogger Karaoke this past Friday. The night was filled with so much fun, so much love, so much fabulous singing/rapping/dancing that I could burst. It only got bad when the Adams Morgan regulars started to outnumber the bloggers, reminding why I never go to Adams Morgan. Oh, and when I started discussing politics at the bar. BAD idea. And lesson learned, again.

Saturday was completely self-indulgent: Carrie M. joined me for coffee, pedicures, and eyebrow waxing. Then, off to get a haircut. (It’s… well, it’ll grow back.) Then, off to dinner.

Dinner (AKA: Why it’s great to have a fabulous platonic male friend who you used to hook up with) was fabulous. We went to Clydes, had the best dinner EVER, a few drinks, and a free therapy session. I asked him questions. He gave me answers. I didn’t like them all, but I needed to hear them. Some questions included:

Why do people think I’m “crazy”?

Why do people call me “trouble”?

Why do my friends keep breaking up with me?

Why can’t I meet a nice Jewish boy?

He, then had questions for me:

When was the last time you did something nice for yourself?

When was the last time you bought something “just because”?

What illegal drugs have you done? (seriously, he couldn’t believe the answer was “none”)

When do you just… cut loose?

While the answers were surprising, what was most surprising was the way he knew me… He knew into me. Our past is confusing and extensive. He has screwed up, inexcusably at times. He went away for a long time (I invited him out of my life) but when he came back, he was changed, I was changed, and somewhere along the line we formed this… well, friendship.

So when he said it, it was jarring, but it made sense, and I know it was true.

“What the f-ck is up with this whole ‘not getting attached’ thing. You gotta trust someone.” I trust me, I said. “You can’t f-ckin’ do that sh-t anymore. You only date guys you know you don’t actually like because then you don’t have to get attached. What the f-ck is that about?”

He proceeded to pat himself on the back and order another goose and tonic. I proceeded to take a mental inventory of all the men I’ve dated, and then proceeded to weep inside. And then ordered another cocktail to mask the gravity of the revelation. How did he know that? How did he see it and I didn’t? Or did I and it was only now that I was ready hear it?

I have no idea how to fix this. But I am so… relieved to have somewhere to start. I guess the key now is to be honest with the men I meet, not lead anyone on, most of all myself.

Dinner was followed by billiards and lots of water. When I said goodbye I thanked him. For so much. For being a big brother to me. For being a friend to me.  For showing me that it’s ok to let loose, even though I still can’t.

Thank God for friends. Especially the ones who don’t give up on me, even though I’m crazy, untrusting, shut off, difficult, and apparently, a whole lot of “trouble”.

I’m buying you all a drink.

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Comments

  1. * Carrie M says:

    It’s funny, I had similar epiphanies after hanging out with you – realizing things based on something you said to me, and being amazed at how perceptive you are. I’m glad that he could provide some therapy for you since you turned into my therapist on Saturday morning…for which I want to thank you for again. And like you said – if you have somewhere to start, that’s a huge step. Being self aware, which you already are a pro at, helps a lot. It’s just enacting some ‘fixes’. That’s the bitch.

    Guess we have a lot to talk about at our next dinner/coffee. 🙂

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 5 months ago
  2. * Average Jane says:

    Carrie M. – I am constantly surprised with how much people know about me. Sometimes I genuinely think that I can hide some of my insecurities, and there are humbling moments that come along that make me realize I am pretty transparent sometimes.

    I think part of it also that I am fascinated with myself, from a third party perspective. I spend hours asking my mother about myself as a child. What was I like? How did I end up this way? I think it’s part of my obsession with being self aware.

    And coffee is way cheaper than therapy =) If only health insurance would cover it.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 5 months ago


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