Average Jane

Tethered and gagged: Weekend, Part 2.

Yesterday was *not* a day to be spent inside. So get outside I did. The day started running errands at 8:45, which was actually a really dumb idea because apparently nothing f-ing opens until 11 on Sundays. Seriously, people. You need to get my schedule and try a little harder to work with me.

After errands, I cleaned a little before heading off to the gym. I worked with my favorite trainer, Friend. The one who reminds me to breathe. (And those reminders I need…) He pushed me to my limits and I said “Bring. It. On.” I consequently struck that phrase from my vernacular.

Then, it was off to Great Falls, VA. Clearly the more majestic side of the Falls. Many more rocks to climb on, and best of all, you get to look at sweet, sweet Maryland. This is when I remembered why children should be on leashes. First of all, they are constantly under foot. Secondly they are loud, and while that wouldn’t be ameliorated by leash, it would be easier to gag them if they were within 3 feet of their responsible (and i use that word loosely) party. Thirdly, they tend to run off to dangerous places. “Average Jane – that almost sounds like you care!” No. Not really. But if they fall off the dangerous place then I’m going to have to help and that would put a damper on my otherwise lovely afternoon. Anyway, dogs and children need leashes. Full stop. End of story.

My hiking buddy had a massive allergy attack ending our outing a little on the early side, so I gave I-66 a holla and headed down to the ass end of nowhere (where the hell was I, anyway??) to watch him play soccer. Now, I don’t actually know how to play soccer, enjoy watching soccer, or know any of the rules, but given that he has done so much for us bloggers, I figured I’d do my due diligence and indulge in his passion. It really was a lovely day which made the experience palatable, and seeing I-66 in his natural surroundings was fun. After being awkwardly introduced to some people on the team, I sat on the benches waiting for the “match” to “start”. After 5 minutes or so there was a substitution called, and tall blonde guy went in for shorter brown haired guy. 2 minutes later, tall blonde guy and guy from other team found out the hard way why football players wear helmets and they collided midfield with a crack that could be heard for yards. Lots of yards. I heard calls for bandages, ice, and tall blonde guy wasn’t moving.

That’s when it happened: I kicked into “mom mode”.

But Average Jane, you hate children.

Yes. That is absolutely the case, but I also have this powering maternal instinct that kicks in with lightning speed. When tall blonde guy came off the field, I immediately looked at the injury, dressed the wound, and discussed the cost-benefit analysis of stitches. See, when you have a maternal instinct but hate kids, you tend to mother adults. It’s horrible.

With tall blonde injured guy situated with his bandage and ice, I was tapped for a mission: goalie with beard got shin splints and had to come out. So skinny smoker had to go into goal for him, but he didn’t have his gloves! Average Jane to the rescue again. I ran up to the car, and when I looked in the trunk I saw a bag of cheese nips. Remembering that skinny smoker had forgotten the nips in the car and hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast, I grabbed the nips, the gloves and headed back to the field, saving the day yet again. No one I know will EVER go hungry. Or bleed out. Not on my watch.

As for children, I’m sure one day things will change and they will become the apple of my eye. Until then, keep them tethered and gagged and away the f*ck from me.


Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. Supporting your child is one thing, but this is just GROSS « Average Jane pingbacked on 10 years, 7 months ago


  1. * carrie m says:

    You are really good at taking care of other people…the coffeehouse house borne witness of that for the last two weekends at the very least!

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 11 months ago
  2. * I-66 says:

    You were here.

    Thank you again. Shame you missed the goals.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 11 months ago
  3. I used to not like (not to like, dislike ?) children as well, back in the days (luv this expression, it sounds cool, and it makes me feel like I’ve actually had a long and eventful life), then I gave it a bit of thought and it turned out to me I would never allow myself to have children, because…err…because of err…ok that’s hard for me to explain it in english. Ever since, I can’t help but smile when I see lil’ children with their parents, it’s just the most beautiful thing in the world, to me, I mean…

    btw, soccer players wearing helmets? Isn’t soccer this game in which you kick a ball to convince it to go in a netted goal?

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 11 months ago
  4. * John says:

    Helmets for soccer players? Crashing into people would not be nearly as much fun, and I think they might puncture the ball and reduce vision. If soccer players wanted helmets they’d play football. Or rugby. (But it doesn’t really matter, because they should be playing Ultimate Frisbee anyways.)

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 11 months ago
  5. * The Captain says:

    Wow, that was you…I met another blogger without realizing it. I’m on I-66’s team. I think I’m shorter brown-haired guy, since I wasn’t in the game at the time, and it was my bandages and my shirt used to soak up blood. But not only am I blond haired, I’m also not particularly short, so your description mystifies me.

    Good to meet you though!

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 11 months ago

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