Average Jane



Pastels for Polly.

I woke up this morning in a mood. One, it seemed, clearly distinguishable from the “non-mood” I wake up in every other day. My attempt to pass the morning hours with Tae-bo fails. I tinker around the apartment, hoping the mood I’m in will fade, at the very least into something familiar.

I take a shower and proceed to my closet, the angry beast. I choose my outfit deliberately, putting on the only pastel item of clothing I own: a pink, yellow, blue and green floral skirt, assuring myself that wearing this skirt will put me in a better mood: mall-psychology.

I put on a brave face all day, stopping to talk to “big me”:

“Average Jane, do you ever find that people don’t take you seriously because they assume you’re always funny? That everything’s a joke?”

“Big Me, do you ever find that no one thinks you’re ever allowed to be in a bad mood because you’re supposed to be the funny one?”

Polly Positive… that’s me.

After work I go to the gym, my home away from home. I lift hard. I lift long. I lift until I run out of things liftable and then go home. I make dinner: small by standard measure but it stuffs me and I feel … Guilty. It doesn’t stop me from eating one…more…thing. Because it tastes good and feels awful.

I watch T.V. until I realize I’m lonely. I make a conscious decision to “walk it off”… my loneliness that is. Further disappointed that my brain didn’t come with a mute button, the thoughts somehow able to overwhelm the music, I come home and write to you.

Thanks for listening. I better wake up in a better mood because I’m all out of pastels.

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Comments

  1. * gn says:

    It must be hard being a non-moody person. I never thought about the pressure you people are under to always be cheerful and funny. I, fortunately, do not have that problem. 😉

    I was moody and awful for years. There are some readers here who knew me through my dark and twisty days. At some point a boss told me… get over yourself. I needed that kick in the ass to realize that my anger and moodiness didn’t do a damn thing to help anyone or anything. So now, I call it my ‘dark chewy center’. And I have it. I’m as snarky as it gets a lot of the time, but really, I just figure… fake it til you make it. If I’m not happy, it’s not your problem. So I smile, and laugh, and then in my private moments (or when i’m drunk. or poked. or when my parents call. or if I know you really well) I get really pissed off and kick things =)

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 3 months ago


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