Average Jane



I was totally surfing the crimson wave*

This post is a confessional, in a way. It’s a plea for mercy.  It’s also a survival guide for men.

It is about…. menstruation.

The confession: I am a hormonal bitch.

The plea for mercy: Please forgive me for my transgressions during this most horrific of times. You may want to kill me, but really, I promise, I want to kill you more.

The survival guide: Men. Come in real close. I have something to tell you. Something really important. For your sake. Come on. I don’t bite… hard. Women menstruate. Now, I tell you this because you need to know. Why? Because in my humblest of opinions I think men are wholly unprepared for how to handle their menstruating partners (presuming their partners are women. To all my gay male readers, consider yourself f*cking blessed).

Men see it as a week of no sex (unless you are particularly kinky, and if so, more power to ya). Which I’m sure is a bummer for you. For realz. It’s a bummer for us, too. Some women are the randiest around their period. So where’s the pity? It ain’t flowing. But let me tell you what is.

No, no. Not that. I think we all get the logistics of the process. I’m talking about hormones. For 1-2 weeks before and more than likely the entirety of the blessed event, I lose complete control over my emotions. I go from fine to evil-bitch to sobbing-for-no-reason in a matter of 5 minutes. And it’s not a one-and-done situation. Oh no. It’s a veritable merry-go-round of moodiness. And really, sometimes it’s for no reason at all. Or sometimes, these are the best ones, when something COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS breaks me.

Like for instance: the trashcan lid won’t close. I try a few times. I fiddle with the latch. I try again. I then decide the trash can is out to get me and wants to ruin my night so I get mad, slamming the lid harder and harder until finally I kick the trash can hard enough to knock it over and then cry about how my foot hurts or how I shouldn’t have to clean up the mess.

Um, yeah. I know. Thanks. 

Oh, and don’t forget, while this is all going on, our stomachs ache, our backs ache, we have cramps, and we have to deal with you, who either don’t know we’re feeling like a run away car on the highway of hormone hell, or don’t care.

A sports analogy would be apropos here.  Imagine you’re playing… football. Sure. Football. You LOVE football. And this is a big game. So you should be totally stoked, right? But you really don’t feel like being at the game. The ref is calling every single call against you. And when you protest, you’re told, “Oh stop yapping. You’re not being reasonable.” And then out of nowhere you start screaming at your teammates who have done nothing wrong. And everyone wants to know what’s wrong and you’re like “leave me the f*ck alone” and so everyone hates you because you’re not making sense and you’re being mean and you just want to take your ball and go home, but you can’t because your team is relying on you and there are no subs available. So you finish the game. We’ll say you win (just so you can feel sort of good about yourself), but you go home and yell at your girlfriend anyway.  So she gets mad and sleeps on the couch. And you go to sleep and wake up and feel fine and treat everyone normally and wonder why they are all looking at you like you have 3 heads.

I think I may have lost you all somewhere back there.

Hi! Welcome back. Here’s the point. We know it sucks that you can’t have sex for a week or so. Sorry bout that. But I promise, it really isn’t a cake walk for us either. So, if it’s possible, just be kind. Rub our feet? Ask how our day was and then brace for what will surely be a long winded diatribe about how much everyone sucks and probably how you suck, too. And we will cry. A lot. It will be over stupid stuff like your socks on the floor or the fact that there is nothing on TV.

Deal with it.

We do it all so that we can put forth your progeny on the earth. All we ask for in return is your understanding and patience.

[Oh, and flowers are nice, too.]

*from Clueless, one of my favorite movies of all time ever.

Advertisements

Trackbacks & Pingbacks

Comments

  1. * Cultural Contributor says:

    Oh sweet mother of pearl, a post about “that” time. Sheesh. I don’t know why I’m commenting. Maybe to rope back in the menfolk who read this and took to the hills. Point being:

    AJ and this “situation” have a special love-hate relationship, as evidenced from her post. I don’t know if it’s the case for everyone. For me, I get cramps, I get over it. I don’t think I’m any bitchier than usual. Unless of course, you try and blame my bitchiness on said “situation.”

    I think a more appropriate analogy here, sports-related, is the Watching-of-Favorite-Team-in-Championship-Game. You want to just…watch the game. Be one with the TV. Maybe with some snacks and beer. You don’t want to take phone calls. You don’t want your girlfriend harping you about this and that. And if she’s a REALLY good girlfriend, maybe she’ll even bring you said snacks and beer. But, if she even STARTS to give you crap about how you’re ignoring her, or yelling too loudly at the TV….you know she’s toast.

    So that’s basically the same deal with “this.” Ask us if we need the girl equivalent of gametime snacks, and don’t stand in front of the TV.

    CC – you have hit the nail on the head. That should be added to the guide. Even if you know we are bitchy because of the “situation”… never… under ANY CIRCUMSTANCE… NEVER EVER talk about it.

    Just, like CC so aptly put it, get me my beer and step away from the TV.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 10 months ago
  2. * matt says:

    You can still give someone a blow job during that week. It’s not, like, f-ing impossible….

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 10 months ago
  3. * freckledk says:

    In my narcissistic mind, blood = Stigmata.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 10 months ago
  4. * tracylord says:

    Is this common for most not to have sex during menstruation? This is when I want to have sex the most. Orgasms are great for cramps. Truly. And I’ve never dated a guy who wouldn’t have sex with me during my period. In fact, almost all the guys I dated went down on me. That’s what a tampon is for. But periods, they suck. I think all females should automatically get the day off of work or out of school. There should be a crimson holiday.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 10 months ago
  5. * Meokat says:

    Second the sex on your period thing. One guy I dated was completely freaked out (like, wouldn’t even sleep in the same bed as me…hey, it was when I was 18) but everyone else has been more or less down. And yeah, orgasms are GREAT for cramps.

    Best thing for period: birth control. makes it stop+no babies+no PMS/crampiness+sex all the time

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 10 months ago
  6. * Evan says:

    And you wonder why men don’t trust women leaders.

    What if you could fire a nuclear weapon at your trash can?

    1-2!! weeks before you lose all control over your emotions? Newsflash for you: that’s approximately 50% of your prime adult life.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 10 months ago


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: