Average Jane



Supporting your child is one thing, but this is just GROSS

OK. So those of you who know me know that I am far more drawn to puppies than I am to babies. To say I am not nesting at this point in my lift could possibly be the biggest understatement of all time ever (except in certain cases). So it should be no surprise to you that this article freaked the f*ck out of me.

Here’s a one sentence synopsis: Some wacky parents these days are opting to not diaper their children, but rather starting from a ridiculously young age get the babies to communicate when they have to do their business and then physically position them over the toilet (or bush) and have them to their duties whist they (the parents) make a sound to trigger said excretory behavior… such as… hisss… (I never said it was a short sentence.)

Um… eww. I mean, I get the benefits of not having to wipe the dirty tuchus and I get that it’s all natural and stuff and that in undeveloped countries they do it and it will save the environment and all that jazz but COME ON people. I don’t like to be near myself when I’m doing that kind of stuff, let alone near someone else when they are doing it. I have issues being in the public restroom when someone is dropping a deuce and now I’m supposed to not only touch the offender, but hold them!

I have a friend Laundro who has a darling little angel baby. I have met her. She is perfection. But she is a pooping and peeing machine from what I understand. He gets all gooey about her bowel movements, which is strange to me, but hey, I’m not a parent. Maybe one day I’ll understand…

They have opted to use cloth diapers and RAVE about them! OK. I get that! People used cloth for ages and it’s got to be comfier for the little one. But, and here’s a big but, you have to put that nastiness in your laundry machine, right? I mean, I understand the point of said machine is to, ya know, launder things and they come out all sparkly and clean, but I still have some weirdness about putting particularly dirty things into the laundry machine and then following it with particularly less dirty things that just need a refresher wash. Anyway, at least the kid is diapered. It certainly eliminates the “oops, I missed my kid’s ‘I have to go’ sign, and now there’s poo all over the kitchen floor” situation.

There are other really earthy parenting techniques that I am 100% in favor of: co-sleeping for one sounds doable if you don’t necessarily want a sex life for the first few years, and teaching your baby sign language sounds fun. Apparently you can even learn what baby cries mean which would totally be awesome. If you’re into the baby-thing.

So the moral of the story is… I am not having babies any time soon. Ok that’s the moral to every story, so more specifically, if and when I do have my very own bundle of joy, you bet your ass (and theirs) that it will be covered in a friggen diaper. Sheesh.

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Comments

  1. * jinglypanties says:

    My mom did the cloth diaper thing for me. I’m thinking it was more for financial reasons than some eco-friendly/hippie/alternative lifestyle thing. (It was the ’80s. She was simultaneously doing her part to deplete the silly O-zone with her overuse of aerosol hairspray. Big hair; that’s the ticket.) Anyway, she said she loved using cloth diapers (to which a 14-year-old me promptly responded “ewww, gross” and resisted the urge to vomit).

    I’m with you in the grossed out department on this one, but the one thing that struck me is that these parents really have to spend time paying attention to their kids constantly, which could definitely be good for the kids. And the parents have real incentives not to slack off; if they do, they have to deal with serious sh*t.

    (Just to clarify, if I ever went absolutely nuts and started popping out babies, there is no way I’d be a member of the diaper-less school.)

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 2 months ago
  2. * Penny says:

    So yeah…I’m wondering how the daycare interview would go.

    “We really love your center. We think it’s a great creative and interactive environment to bring little Joey to each day. But, we have a question. I need you to keep you eye on him all the time because when he grips his left wrist with his right hand that means he needs to go poopy in the poddy. And you need to take him right then or else you’ll have a mess to clean up. And seeing as he’s only 6 months, he can’t support himself sitting up yet so you’ll need to hold him over the toilet seat for the next year or so. M’kay? Oh! And don’t get that gesture confused with when he grips his right wrist with his left hand because that just means he wants juice. We’re teaching him sign language.”

    I’m so glad I was born in the 70’s to hippy parents who totally believed in diapers and letting me watch tv.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 2 months ago
  3. * Laundro says:

    Yeah, diaperless babies are kinda silly. But if it works for some people, by all means. Just not for our lifestyle.

    I do think it’s very hard to make statements until you have a child of your own. My thoughts on a lot of what I thought child-rearing was have changed a bit dealing with it first hand. Cloth diapering being one of them.

    PS. baby poop at this point is nothing – it’s like liquid mustard and smells like sourdough. Once she starts eating “real” food we probably try biodegradable liners that go in the toilet for #2’s. Helluva lot better than the poop and pee draining from the landfill to our water supplies from all the disposables that get put in the trash. If you read a diaper package, they are supposed to scrape the poop and put it in the toilet.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 2 months ago
  4. * Laundro says:

    PPS. The main reason I get all “gooey” about changing Lily’s diaper is because it’s *my* time with her that’s my own. Emily breastfeeds and I change diapers. I asked for that duty so I’d have something that was my own. And we sometimes can get excited about dirty diapers because that means she’s healthy and growing. I know you don’t mean it, but hearing you consider that time I have with her as “disturbing” is kind of fucked up.

    HUGE EDITORIAL NOTE: I want everyone to know, and especially Laundro, that while I am not comfortable with children, it should in no way be expressed as disrespectful of parents, and for that I apologize. Laundro is a fabulous father who cares deeply for his baby. I know it. I’ve seen it. I can only hope that the man I choose to spend my life with is half as engaged in my child’s life as he is in his. The “gooey” look in his eye is in fact awe inspiring. It is the definition of love. It is that thing that all parents say we child-less people will “get” once we have children of our own. I believe that. I will (God willing) one day have children and I hope that I will get as gooey if not more gooey over every excretion and gurble he or she makes.

    This blog was not created to offend. My goal with my posts is to entertain and if I strayed then I can’t apologize enough. This blog post was meant to be lighthearted and humorous and it ended up offending one of my best friends. For that I am more sorry than I can express.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 2 months ago
  5. * Genevieve says:

    haha i saw that article. i was like “ok, that’s fucking sick.”

    people are SO weird! yeah i’m ALL for saving the environment by not using disposable diapers but NO diapers? i’m sure even in old testament times they used cloth ones. how… disgusting. icky icky! x_x

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 2 months ago
  6. * SarahLeigh says:

    YEAH, most cloth diaper users have a service that picks up the diapers in a pail and washes them and brings you clean ones, all for a fee of course. So yeah, it’s gross, but at least the washing of poop goes on in a washing machine that is not yours. Unless of course, you want to be cheap and wash your kids poop for free. I’m just saying, I think that would be worth the money. To not wash poop. I was cloth diapered and I turned out fine. 🙂 Although I am probably too comfortable talking about pooop. Coincidence? Who knows….

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 2 months ago


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