Average Jane



Boys and E-Cards Don’t Lie

[Editoral Note: This is not a pity post. It’s actually really funny, if you ask me. Which you haven’t yet, so please… on with the blog.]

About a week ago, I received this e-card from Foxymoron:

Jewish man bribe

After feigning offense for like half a second, I started to wonder if he was right. My dating habits are pathetic, granted. But the idea of bribery hadn’t yet crossed my mind.

Until last night. A friend came over for coffee and a chat, and by friend I mean guy I knew in high school who I haven’t seen in 8 years who at some point got hot but is clearly not interested in dating me because I don’t fall into his 800 criteria for datability. (Some of which included “smokin hot” and “she’s can’t have the same name as my mom”.)

He is convinced that he will meet this smokin’ hot, aptly named, chatty, sporty, not-snobby, smokin’ hot girl on JDate. Don’t worry, I laughed enough for the entirety of my blog readership. He claims to get 4 date requests a week, and wonders why in the world I don’t get the same! I told him there are slim pickings on JDate and that I’m just not that keen on the whorishness of the jewish-online-dating world. You see, the guys on there don’t really want a nice Jewish girl. They want a Nice Jewish Piece of Ass so they can feel better about being a big whore, ya know the whole whoring with someone your mother would approve of thing.

Anyway, last night he comes over to try and figure out my problem with dating. After I tell him that I hope he doesn’t talk to all the girls he’s trying to woo the same way he talks to me, he says “nah, you’re just like a dude with long hair”… rad-tastic.

Then he decides to take a gander at all my suitors on JDate and show me the error of my dating ways.

30 minutes and 50 profiles later, he has to go home. As he’s walking toward the door he says over his shoulder, “Yeah… looks like you’ll really just have to take what you can get. Good night!”

Words to live by. Just settle, Baby Jane. Take what you can get.

And if that doesn’t work, try bribing them.

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Comments

  1. * Arjewtino says:

    JDate is awful. During my single days, I checked it out — once.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 1 month ago
  2. * Poopsack Brigade says:

    Can’t believe the two of you are both on Jdate and you don’t just get up on that.

    I am clearly not “smokin hot” enough for him. On a number of occasions he mentioned that his ladies have to be “smokin’ hot”, and so finally I said, “I guess that puts me out of the running”…. *crickets* Oh well. Seriously, at this point it would take a few vinos to get me to ride that crazy train.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 1 month ago
  3. Before the internets, I dated a jewish girl who’s grandma would shove flyers under her door for Jewish Singles Dances. Her comment to me (which is probably equally applicable to JDate) is that “those guys are single for a reason”.

    Why do you care if the guy you date is Jewish? Even if he’s jewish on paper, you know you’re probably both atheists or agnostics, so what’s the difference?

    That’s getting into a completely different post. Stay tuned. Perhaps I’ll pop that blog cherry soon…

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 1 month ago
  4. * Poopsack Brigade says:

    If his standards are so high, why’s he resorting to trolling for poontang on Jdate? I’m skeptical.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 1 month ago
  5. * carrie m says:

    what a jackass. you did not share this tidbit with me, unless this was a new, special visit. please don’t ever let him into your apartment again. please.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 1 month ago
  6. * matt says:

    I had no idea about Jdate. I once knew a Mormon who dated on some “LCD” site but weird….. So you don’t have to be Jewish?

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 1 month ago
  7. * Justin says:

    Wow. I didn’t find that funny at all! In fact, I was surprised that the blog didn’t end with “Oh yeah? Well fuck you!”

    Who says things like that?

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 1 month ago
  8. DO you think it’s different on like Match.com? (I’m asking seriously) it seems to me that online is online, and everyone is looking for easy ass as opposed to a relationship. Online breeds a false sense of closeness bc people are “soooo intimate” over email.

    I think it’s a sham, and not JShame. Just maybe an eSham.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 1 month ago
  9. Why does it have to be a jewish guy? I’m seriously asking, is it a religious requierement, is it a social one, or is it because you think a jewish guy would be more…I don’t know, more what you want that guy to be?

    Isn’t “french and barely legal” good enough for you?n_n

    humpf… sry :$

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 1 month ago


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