Average Jane



JDate UpDate: Dear G-d, It’s the New Year, can you cut me some slack?

So… hey there! Don’t worry, boys. I’m still single and ready to mingle (gags a little)… but I do have an update.

I’m talking to my Jdate-o-phile friend from high school last night, and he asks me as usual how my dating life is. I explain that it is stagnating at the moment, and for good reason. Since he asked me last it’s been, I don’t know, 24 hours spanning a Wednesday into Thursday. As much of a stud as I like to pretend to be, I’m just not that good. But I did have a few interesting revelations.

Let me step back. The other night, just as I was lamenting my JDating woes to yet another friend, I get an IM from one of the cutest guys that I had seen on le internets.

6’0”. Hot. Jewish. Employed. That’s the quadfecta. So we talk. It’s light hearted friendly goofy banter. He’s sarcastic. He’s witty. He’s asking about my “sense of style”… but I can overlook that. Then he brings up porn. Which is cool. I’m down with porn. This scores me major points with this “nice Jewish boy”. As expected, this takes the conversation down a far more scandalous path. He wants to know something dirty about me. Come on boys! Can’t you be a little more coy? Maybe get me drunk first? Or maybe just work it into conversation?

Don’t get me wrong, I like being objectified as much as the next woman (*ugh*) but at least have the decency to mask it as something besides jack off fodder.

So I give the dramatic pause and then make a very witty reply to get him away from this subject. “Um… OK” he says, “but really… tell me something dirty.” At this point, I realize that he is, as homeimprovementninja so aptly pointed out, “single for a reason”. So I decide to call him on his shit. “You’re just like the rest,” I tell him. “Out for some ass… ass you’re not embarrassed to bring home to mom.” “Well,” he says, “I’m not looking for anything serious, or whatever, but I’m not, like, into random sex or anything…”

I then launch into a toned down version of my “why JDate is a big whoring site” speech, but in a charming, witty way that leaves him wanting more and finish with a big “we may not be a JDate love match, but maybe we can meet for a beer or something.” Strong finish, I think, adding more fuel to the “Average Jane has no chance of ever dating anyone” fire.

After this conversation, I was feeling pretty good about myself. And how I will more than likely never score a Jew. But then, I get that late evening message from my dear friend from high school asking about my dating life. I tell him about the conversation I had with this hot useless guy, and explain that he just wanted to get some, as expected.

“Yeah, well me too.” He says.

“Huh? What?” I stutter… and throw up in my mouth a little bit.

“I totally want to tap that ass!” he informs me. In the hottest way possible.

“No you don’t. You want to tell me about all your other dates because I’m a dude with long hair, remember?”

“Naw. I totally want to TAP THAT ASS.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“It’s just that it would be weird and there’s all this pressure. And I’m out of practice.”

Well, at least that clears it up. He’s bad in bed. Fair enough. “Well, at least you don’t want to date me. Because that would involve dropping all your bullshit.”

“Yeah. Totally.”

I really don’t know what I do to get stuck in these most disturbing situations. Like, seriously disturbing. Like that time I was on a date and we’re in my car and he kisses me, then grabs my boob, throws his fist triumphantly in the air and exclaims, “YES!” Hey, at least he paid for dinner.

Anyway, I guess since it’s Friday, I’ll ask for a little audience participation. Do you have any good horrifically awful “We’re both adults, but you’re romantically 16 years old” dating stories? Any online dating horror stories? Go on… share! We’re all friends here.

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  1. An incurable case of suburbia « Average Jane pingbacked on 9 years, 8 months ago

Comments

  1. * matt says:

    Do you have to be Jewish? Is there a national ID card I could forge? I mean, illegal aliens get green cards, so why can’t I be a jew?

    There’s actually this subculture of singles who sign up for JDate and aren’t Jewish. There are apparently websites that tell you how. You should check it out. But I’ll tell you, if you’re not circumcised you’re going to have a hard time “passing”.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 11 months ago
  2. * Dara says:

    Laughing at the JDate story. The same thing happens to me whenever I manage to convince myself to log on. And then I laugh at the guy’s and politely excuse myself from the conversation.

    I often wonder why so many of my friends are convinced that JDate is the greatest thing ever, and the only logical conclusion is that they are secretly very very slutty.

    They are slutty and indoctrinated by our Jewish mothers who say we have to be married off and babyfull sooner than later. Well, except for my mom who begs me not to make the same mistake she made by getting married so early. I also won’t make the same mistake she made by staying with an asshole for 35 years. But I digress…

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 11 months ago
  3. * Dara says:

    “guys” not “guy’s.” I know better than that. Sheesh.

    You’re lucky spelling doesn’t count.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 11 months ago
  4. Well this is a weird dating story (of which I have meelyuns). Met girl at coffeeshop and got her number, called her to hangout a few days later. She didn’t smile once during the entire date, didn’t laugh at any of my jokes, insisted (demanded?) on paying for half of dinner, drinks, and part of the cabfare (and the conversation was like pulling teeth too). I didn’t think it was going anywhere and I wanted to get rid of her, but I let her come upstairs to use my bathroom, and the next thing I know she blew me…twice…and increased her caloric intake…twice. Then she called a cab and left. Can’t a guy get a cuddle afterwards? W.T.F.???

    Another girl I dated, as she was about to climax, liked to request that she be, ummmm *lightly*……slapped accross the face and called words that you can’t say on Television…there, I said it. Not my cuppa tea, but whatever gets your juices flowing.

    First of all, you’re a stud. Second of all, did you really want to cuddle? Third of all, you’re a stud!

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 11 months ago
  5. * elle says:

    Love your blog by the way, I’m 27 single and pretty much in the same boat. It’s so tough out there dating. I’m not jewish but recently dated a jewish guy..what a nightmare, he was immature, selfish, huge ego, all about money, compulsive liar, strung me along w/ no intention of it going anywhere..finally got rid of him! But I don’t think any of it had to do w/ the fact that he was jewish, what do you think?

    I’ve had many online dating experiences lately, a guy who openly admitted he whore’d himself out on Match.com, that I was the first girl he wouldn’t take home to sleep w/ b/c I looked like and reminded him of his sister..no chance anyway buddy! -Another guy who told me he got a hotel room in the city for the night b/c ya know??!! HUH no, I don’t know! The list goes on!

    Well, you’ve just described all the Jewish guys I’ve met. But I think INPY would say that it’s just men in general. Which bodes well for us ladies.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 11 months ago
  6. * Jo says:

    Hey, at least you got a funny story out of it.

    I do what I can. I’m here for you, my bloglings.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 11 months ago
  7. * jess says:

    I have a story to tell ya in person πŸ™‚

    I met one guy online who seemed really cool. Smart, funny, adventuresome, all that stuffy stuff. He seemed to have delusions of grandeur of what he thought I’d look like, so I said, you know, I’m fine and all that… He told me (in a straight online face) he looked like Harrison Ford. When we met, it was more like Henry Kissinger but with less charm and more body hair…. Humor, thy name is online dating.

    I can’t wait to hear your “in person story”! I always go by the worst picture they have posted. It’s ALWAYS what they look like. I guess I can claim the same, though. Not like my “glamor shots” are getting me so many nibbles. Meh.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 11 months ago
  8. * carrie m says:

    read my blog for the good stories. πŸ˜‰

    did I ever tell you about this guy who contacted me on match.com, then on Chemistry, which is Match’s solution to eHarmony? We got to the open communication portion and he said I looked familiar, and did any of the following ring any bells. He listed some random things, and I hadn’t heard of them, so I said no. He said, oh, okay. You just look like someone I’ve seen swinging.

    Hmmm. So I ask…swinging as in dancing or swinging as in sex?

    Sex.

    Fine. And I just said, nope, wasn’t me and kept on talking. He asked me if I was bothered by it, and I asked him if it was a test or something. I mean for crying out loud – you swing, fine. Just come out and say it don’t be all coy about it and then be surprised when I don’t go OMG!

    I hate the kinds of conversations that you blogged about though. I’m all for having FBs, but don’t put it under the guise of dating. It saves everyone time, money, nerves, etc just to put it out there. But when they launch into like *that* I feel like I’ve been duped and makes me unattracted to them immediately.

    Your blog really is the definitive source for good online dating stories. I highly suggest all you people go over there and take a look. *sigh*

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 11 months ago
    • * On Hidateus says:

      Can’t read your blog carrie :(((

      | Reply Posted 4 years, 5 months ago
  9. * carrie m says:

    actually, i only have a few good ones, and they’re just snips. this story here, my dear, is a good ‘un.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 11 months ago
  10. * Arjewtino says:

    “Illegal aliens” don’t get green cards, matt, legal residents of the U.S. do. And the term is “undocumented residents”, not “illegal aliens”.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 11 months ago
  11. * Sam says:

    I’ve never been big on the whole e-date thing, although I have been known to email/IM/txt someone I met for six minutes in a bar later on in the week and continue doing so for like weeks before we actually run into one another again–and that always turns out like all of your stories about the false expectations we manage to create in those situations. Writing is so much easier to finese than spontaneous exposition, and apparently I don’t live up to the expectations people set for me as supremely clever and articulate. I guess it’s hard to tell over IM when someone is actually shy.

    BUT on the subject you proposed, I DO know a guy from work who is in his mid-50s, recently divorced, who is big into meeting women online. Match.com, eHarmony, Yahoo! personals and something called Adult Friendfinder that my ISP at work blocks. He swears he’s never tried Craigslist casual encounters but he knows enough about all the problems with Craigslist that makes meeting a woman there impossible that I’m sure he actually HAS tried it, though perhaps unsuccessfully.

    The really creepy thing about it all is that he’s just like the JDate guy in your story, and I mean he’s like that in person. We’ll go out to a bar for happy hour and I’ll be sitting there with the other mid-20s folks thinking we’re being sly about checking out the tattoo on the small of the waitress’ back or the cute girls at a nearby table who look over us every once in a while, when suddenly my mid-50s coworker will blurt out something like “I would love to blow my load all over that girl’s tramp stamp.”

    Holy fuck, dude, I’m just trying to enjoy my beer.

    I’ve come to refer to this sort of behavior as “e-date tourettes” because it seems to be especially prevalent among people who meet women online. I haven’t yet determined why this is. Maybe it’s because you can’t get slapped, maced or have a drink thrown in your face when you proposition women online so you get in the habit of turning off the part of your brain that says “odds are this will not make her interested in getting to know me.” Maybe it’s because there are tens of thousands of girls online so if you’re looking for ass the fastest way to go about getting it is to simply ask up front “so hey, wanna bang me?” six hundred times until you manage to hit one (figuratively) who will say yes. Or maybe the condition is pre-existing among the afflicted and we only think it’s the result of the e-date culture because those people statistically gravitate towards meeting women online at a higher rate than “normal” people. Whose to say?

    Alls I know is that I get better results when I leave things unsaid and rely on being tall and having blue eyes. πŸ™‚

    (ps, pleasure to find my way back to your blog, I haven’t had a chance to read in a while)

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 11 months ago
  12. * Mandy says:

    this jeff guy sounds nice (see above). I think you should go out with him.

    I wanna read that story.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 11 months ago
  13. * Mandy says:

    oops. not jeff. SAM!

    SAM. how do i get jeff mixed up with Sam?

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 11 months ago
  14. * Sam says:

    I’m already dating a completely different Jewish girl (at least I think she’s a completely different Jewish girl. Hope?) But I’ll be back on the market in six weeks to three months when her mom finally breaks her down with “I can’t believe you’re dating a goy!” and then I’ll be ripe for ridicule here. πŸ™‚

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 11 months ago


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