Average Jane



Punkin and a nap, plz. Kthxbai.

I’m sick.

If you’ve had any contact with me, electronic or otherwise, over the past few days, you already know this. Why do you know this? Because I have told everyone.

I am what you would call a “terrible patient”. “Pathetic” might be the better word for it, if I’m fair. I’ve had a bona fide tummy ache for 4 days now and all i have wanted is for someone to come over, rub my tummy, and make me soup.

This may beg some questions:

  1. Yes, I said rub my tummy.
  2. Yes, I may actually be 5 years old.
  3. No, no one has actually come over to do this, mostly because while I am absolutely, 100% pathetic, I am also far too proud to allow anyone to actually lift a finger for me. Now, if my mom were around, don’t you think for 1 moment that I wouldn’t let her. Because I would. For the above mentioned reasons.

So what have I done in my weakened state? Well, I have indulged on all the low-cal comfort foods I can get my grubby little hands on. Because I am pathetic enough to worry about my stupid diet even when I feel craptastic. (I had the flu once and insisted on only sugar-free jam on my whole grain spelt toast. Saltines? Nevah!) But let the record show, my diet of oatmeal and soup has done nothing to the scale. Mark THAT one off the list.

My comfort food of choice this round? Punkin mush. Oh yes. Punkin. F-ing. Mush. I bought the bigger vat of mushed punkin at the market on my first of 3 soup runs and made my first venture into mush-making last night. First effort? Apple oatmeal cobbler punkin mush. I just knew you’d want the recipe.

  • 1/3 cup of punkin
  • 1 packet of low sugar apple cinnamon oatmeal
  • 1 egg white
  • cimmanom and splenda-r to taste. (for me that = lots)

OK, so you mix the egg white with the oatmeal then put it on top of the 1/3 cup of punkin that you’ve already spiced up however you want. Like, cimmanom, and splenda-r. Maybe ginger if you’re feeling feisty? Nutmeg if you’re feeling like commercialism Christmas? So then I put it into my toaster oven in the little pyrex bowl for like 8 minutes-ish at 350…ish.

The oatmeal poofed. The punkin mushed. It was… FABULOUS! And warm. And so damn low-cal-tastic.

OK, so then tonight, I made my second punkinalicious concoction. This time it was maple walnut punkin mush. Ooh! Recipe!

  • 1/3 cup punkin
  • schprinkle of chopped walnuts
  • 1 Tbs sugar free maple syrup
  • splenda-r and cimmonam to taste.

Super easy this time. Combine that shit and nuke it for 2 minutes, w00t! Oh man. So good.

So in between all this punkin mush madness, I went to the doctor. He ordered an X-Ray. I don’t think it’s necessary but I’m kind of tired of feeling like poo. I want a cuddle. I want a snuggle. I want someone to swoop in and save the day. I want to wear my jammies all day and come up with more awesome things to do with $1.75 worth of punkin. I want tea brought to me pre-sweetened to my liking. I want chicken soup waiting for me when I wake up from my afternoon nap. I want a scantily clad man rubbing my tummy and feeding me grapes. I guess that’s not icky-tummy specific.

But since I am unable to actually do any of those things, I will settle for complaining and being generally pathetic because just like everything else, I want to make sure I’m really good at what I do. And practice makes perfect.

So tell me, what do you do when you’re sick? What’s your favorite food when you’re sick? And can you adapt that to be low-cal? And do you know any professional tummy rubbers?

Yours pathetically,

Icky Jane

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Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. Bend over and take it like a (wo)man « Average Jane pingbacked on 9 years, 7 months ago

Comments

  1. * matt says:

    There’s nothing like getting high when you’re sick so you forget what even the problem was.

    Gatorade. Always.

    If ever there were a time to try pot, when I have tummy ache may not be it. But you know you’re first on my list to call the minute I change my mind.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 9 months ago
  2. * Laundro says:

    Poop! I hope you feel better.

    With all due respect, what are you doing eating Splenda?!

    I don’t smoke. I eat Splenda. We all pick our cancers.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 9 months ago
  3. * jess says:

    i watch movies that make me laugh and eye chicken soup with a wary eye. if your tummy hurts, i’d recommend staying away from dairy and anything acidic. but i’m sure you know that already 🙂

    you said ‘rubbers’.

    Be not wary of the chicken soup. Chicken soup is goooood. But I recommend buying it already made. I went 10 rounds with a chicken carcass when I made chicken broth for matzah ball soup for Passover and it was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever done in a kitchen (although I’m never opposed to pushing the bar on *that* one).

    And you’re damn right I said “rubber”. *giggles like a school girl*

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 9 months ago
  4. * College Grad says:

    I like eating Jello when I’m sick. In fact, sometimes that’s all I eat when I don’t feel well. Might explain why I lose so much weight during that time. (Is there diet Jello? I have no idea.)

    There *totally* is diet Jello. Totally good call on the Jello. Not sure how I missed that one. One a side note, did you know that there is an entire contingency of people who abhor Jello? Like, are morally opposed to it? Won’t touch it? I think it’s the texture. But the “jiggle” is what makes Jello so damn good! Anyway, I should try this Jello diet you speak of. I have been eating oatmeal, soup, and crackers and haven’t budged a pound. 🙂

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 9 months ago
  5. * dailycraziness says:

    I heart mashed potatoes when I’m sick. Actually, I think I crave carbs when I’m sick. Or, well, any time really. I think you can make low cal mashed taters…but why on earth would you? 🙂

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 9 months ago
  6. * Sam says:

    It depends on how I’m sick. If I’m congested, I boil half a mug of water, remove it from the heat and into it pour the juice of one fresh lemon and three table spoons of honey. Stir until the honey disolves. Fill the mug the rest of the way up with the alcohol of your choice (I suggest sherry) and knock it back quickly.

    The high vapor pressure of the hot alcohol breaks up congestion in your lungs and throat. The lemon has vitamin C, and honey is naturally anti-bacterial. If it doesn’t work, at least enough of the alcohol will have hit your stomach before cooking off that you can have a second mug and pass out. Wrap yourself in a couple of blankets before doing so, and you might be able to sweat out whatever is infecting you.

    I hope you feel better!

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 9 months ago
  7. * carrie m says:

    you didn’t tell me you were sick! you were nice enough to contact me and ask how the show was going, but you never said a word! awww, babes. you’re the best. i hope you feel better.

    grilled cheese and tomato soup, for the record. of course, i don’t have to be sick for that.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 9 months ago


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