Average Jane

No one’s ever seen that side of me before

He opened the door and called my name. I followed him down the hall to another room. He tells me to undress. Take everything off, except my panties, and slip into something more comfortable. He leaves me alone while I disrobe, following his instructions exactly.

I emerge and look to him for my next direction. He takes me to a dark room and has me lay down. He explains what’s about happen.

“You’re going to have two drinks, then we’re going to roll you around on the table and take some pictures.”

I like the way he thinks.

As I lay on the table, he feels for my hips, my pelvis. He needs to know the markers of my body. Then he leaves.

“Stop breathing,” he demands. Kinky.


“OK. Breathe.”

He comes back.

His pictures must be perfect.

Then he stands me up and leaves. Tells me to wait. Where am I going to go?

He comes back in with someone new.

“Put this in your mouth and start sucking when I tell you to,” the new man says with authority

Alright kids. This isn’t a porn. Stop being dirty. I totally got an upper GI done today. My tummy still doesn’t feel alright and all the punkin in the world isn’t helping. The experience wasn’t exactly pleasant, but it really helped that the technician was incredibly HOT! The “more comfortable” outfit he gave me was their finest “pull on shorts and open-in-the-back smock”. Exactly what I want to meet the man of my dreams in.

I would like the record to show that after 2 shots of barium, I still managed to almost get his number. I just couldn’t close the deal! And I was ON POINT: Joking about his being a bartender, asking if he’s local, finding out if he’s been to the “hottest spots” out here in the burbs… but nothing.

While he had no wedding ring on, I couldn’t trust it. Maybe he just couldn’t wear it to work. Maybe he just didn’t wear it! And then there’s always the possibility that he’s not married but seriously dating someone… but then at least there’s hope!

Anyway, as I said before, I was completely unable to close the deal. But then again, maybe hitting on your radiology tech isn’t the best idea. But… then again, he has seen me at my worst. He has seen my inside. He knows me deeply. And by “deeply” I mean he’s seen my stomach from like 25 different angles.

He also, as a side note, alerted me to the fact that my stomach is basically in my crotch. Initially they had that little apron around my waist (you know, the one that’s meant to protect my “lady bits”), but it kept blocking their view. It turns out, my stomach is actually wedged WAY DOWN there below my hips. Thank goodness, too, because that meant he had to retake those first few x-rays, checking and re-checking the location of my hips, “centering his focus” lower and lower.

I have never thought so many dirty thoughts in a doctor’s office before. But what do I do now? Any advice?

I know his first name and part of his last name. I know that he knows the manager of the local pizza joint. I know where he works. I know he doesn’t wear a wedding ring and wasn’t averse to my flirting. I know he’s seen me at my best with barium chalk all over my face in the latest trend in scrubwear. (Heck, if he saw me with clothes on it’d be a step backwards!)

Gah! Why is the line between following a genuine interest and flat out stalking SO DARN THIN???

OK. It’s in your hands. Best plan that leads to at least a phone number exchange with the target gets a drink at the next Happy Hour. Go!

UPDATE: I did it! I dropped off the note. I wrote the note first, of course, which was quite a to do. The first draft was, well, crappy. So after changing pens and starting over, I think I came up with something that mitigates the embarrassingness of it all.  Oh, and in the matter of who gets the drink. That honor would go to Sam whose comment was on my screen as I drafted the note, incorporating as many recommendations as possible. Including the crotch. Well, including NOT including the crotch.

Anyway, Sam, next drink’s on me. Unless I’m in jail on stalking charges. Then bail’s on YOU.


Trackbacks & Pingbacks


  1. * Arjewtino says:

    My advice is to NOT track him down. He would get freaked out if you found him and asked him out.

    Then again, you would have a pretty good “How we met” story.

    And you shall now be christened “Ar-A-Buzz-Kill”. Grrr… Thanks for being all “pragmatic” and stuff. Gah. That’s usually my job.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 7 months ago
  2. its only stalking…if they dont think youre cute…

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 7 months ago
  3. * foilwoman says:

    Don’t overthink it. If he’s seriously dating someone, he can turn you down. Call the office, ask for him, ask him to do something. He can say yes or no. If he says yes, you’re the host. Pick a specific thing at a specific time, something you think he might like — did he mention anything he likes to do? If he’s busy but he likes you and is interested, he’ll then find a way. If he’s not busy and he’s interested, you’re golden (until you find out he snores or something). If he’s not busy and not interested (or committed or whatever), one rejection ain’t gonna kill you. If rejection killed, all guys on the planet, Arjewtino included (but not the late, great El Guapo) would have been dead about a million times by now. Take a small emotional risk. There really isn’t a downside.

    You’re right. But he works in a busy radiology practice. I worry that I’ll totally be interrupting. Do I call and ask for his voicemail? Tell them I have a question for him? Or do I just make a plea with the receptionist. Or do I drop by with a note? It’s right behind my office, so I can run over at lunch.

    Hmm… the note prospect isn’t a bad one… Then I’m not interrupting too much…


    | Reply Posted 10 years, 7 months ago
  4. I agree with SB. When I was in sales, some girl I sold something to thought I was cute so she called the store and asked for me. I thought it was flattering (because she was cute). If it was some creepy cougar lookin’ for some young lovin, that would be a diff’rent story. Jus’ sayin’.

    I mean, I’d be flattered, but I’m not a guy. I can’t speak to my cuteness, but people around here have met me. They can speak to that better.

    But if anyone says anything besides the fact that I’m absolutely friggen adorable, they are getting deleted. Immediately. I’m just sayin’.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 7 months ago
  5. Found you through DC blogs … loved the way you wrote this! The advice of total strangers is worth … uh, nothing, but I vote that you go for it — maybe ask him to meet up for a pizza at the place where he knows the manager? That way it is your overture, but might come across in a slightly less-stalky, “hey, let’s meet on your turf” kind of way? Or maybe not. But maybe!

    As for first contact, if it’s by your office, you could easily swing by and ask for his name and a time to call, or for his work email address under the auspices of wanting to thank him for doing such a good job of … whatever, keeping you calm even though you hate medical procedures, reassuring you that you aren’t gonna die, etc. 🙂

    Good luck!

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 7 months ago
  6. * Sam says:

    First off, holy crap, I’m sorry to hear you’re seriously like “not well,” although I draw hope from knowing that if you can still find the ability to turn an upper GI imaging into a first-person soft core porn experience, you’re probably going to get better. I kind of doubt a lot of people think about eroticism at the doctor’s office while waiting to find out that they’re going to die.

    Okay, so to your question: DEFINITELY a note. Not only is it pratical, it’s ethical from his standpoint. I don’t know if the rules extend to technicians, but doctors are definitely not allowed to date or pick up patients because it’s seen as an abuse of the trust we inherrently place in our healthcare provider. If it was me, I’d leave a note with your phone number and explain that you were interested but a little unclear on the rules in that situation, and a little bit chicken because you were initimidated by his charm, more so because of your vulnerability. But if he’s interested, once you don’t need testing anymore, maybe he’d be interested in meeting you for dinner, and finding out what other internal organs besides your stomach are basically in your crotch. You very much hope that he’ll call, hugs and kisses, etc.

    …you might want to skip the line about your crotch.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 7 months ago
  7. * reuben says:

    life is shorter than the average american’s attenion span. i say see where it takes you! i know i would!

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 7 months ago
  8. * foilwoman says:

    A note is safer (from a rejection standpoint), but a phone call or in-person contact has a better chance of a positive answer. Either way, do minimize his interruption. Call the office (if you decide to call) and ask to speak to him at a time when it might not be too busy. Ask quickly, and get off the phone. The “just happened to be passing by” is cute, but does tend more toward “stalker. But my view is this: you get one free bite at the apple. Once you’ve asked, he then knows you are interested and if he’s remotely interested/attracted/available, he’ll act.

    A written note (email, text, actual snail mail) is less exposure for you, but it also creates more distance. Oh, and average blogger is so right. My advice is worth . . . uh, nothing. I only know what works for me, and what works for me is to do something rather than sit and wait. It’s your attraction, your pseudo-porn upper-gi story, your cute slab-o’grade-A prime radiology technician — we advise, you decide.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 7 months ago
  9. * elle says:

    I’m a huge fan of not having regrets, and this is definitly one of those scenerios that if you don’t take the chance you’ll regret you didn’t down the road..b/c you never know.. Plus you really have nothing to lose, what are the chances you’ll see him again if it doesn’t turn out well.

    Definitly go w/ the note idea, put it in an envelope w/ his name on it and hand it to the receptionist. Hopefully she’s not too nosy or bitchy and want to know why you’re giving a note to him. Sound professonal and make it quick so you’re in and out and so the note seems “important”. Have to let us know what happens!! Oh and do it ASAP so he doesn’t forget about you and your time together…GOOD LUCK!!

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 7 months ago
  10. * Kim says:

    This is precisely what Missed Connections on Craigslist is for. Not that I, like, read those religiously or anything…

    Anywho, the note was a good idea. Personal but not intrusive/stalkerish.

    Hope it works out!

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 7 months ago
  11. * Kim says:

    This is precisely what Missed Connections on Craigslist is for. Not that I, like, read those religiously or anything…

    Anywho, the note was a good idea. Personal but not intrusive/stalkerish.

    Hope it works out!

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 7 months ago

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: