Average Jane

Um, Thanks?

Alright, so I have a confession to make. I’m a girl. And sometime I just get plain old girly. It isn’t often, don’t get me wrong. I’d rather watch football than go shopping. I scratch myself in public. Ya know, normal guy stuff. (Although I still can’t burp on command. Any tips?) But sometimes I just need to winge about girly stuff like my frizzy hair… or my body image issues.

Oh don’t roll your eyes. This post isn’t about that. Just hold on… 

So the other night, I hadn’t been to the gym for like 4 days in a row and I just felt gross. When my friend from high school IMed me (the J-date-o-phile) and asked how I was doing, I told him about my problem: How I was stagnating at the gym. How I felt like I had hit a wall in my motivation. How I just didn’t feel great about how I was looking or feeling.

He told me he understood. That he, too, went through times like that. He gave me little pointers on how to jumpstart my routine, get my metabolism back on its feet.  And then he said the following:

“I know this may sound like I’m a shallow bastard, but you really look fine. I mean, I’d do you.”


*More crickets*

Um… What do you say to that? I mean, “Thanks” is the natural response. I guess. Now mind you, we have agreed (he and I) that I am completely undatable, but apparently “doable” and “datable” can be mutually exclusive.  Which I suppose I also knew on some level. I mean, there are a number of men I would “do” and not “date”, but I’ve also never expressly told them that.

On some level, a suspension of disbelief is just appreciated. If you don’t want to date me, rad. But if you do want to “do” me and don’t want to date me, at least, for my sake, pretend that you want to date me. It’s like going to a strip club. Well, it’s like a man going to a strip club. They all know they’re not getting laid. Heck, they know they are barely going to get touched. Double heck, they know if they did get touched their penis would probably fall off. But the best stripper knows that she is going to get the most money out of the poor sod if she at least makes the guy think there is a chance he could get laid. Am I wrong?

Anyway, I reminded J-dater Joe that we had previously discussed the fact that hooking up was a bad idea. He vehemently denied that this conversation ever occurred. I assured him I would not make up a conversation about me not getting laid. Still, he could not accept the fact that he would ever turn a girl down. After all..

“I need to get laid way more than you do, so why would I say no?”

This is pure foreplay genius.

Hey, guys. Don’t use this line. Ever. Consider this little nougat of dating wisdom my Christmas gift to you.

I tell him that while I had never actually said I would engage in such activities, I am willing to bet that we’ll find ourselves in a compromising position at some point when the weather gets cold and we’re too lazy to go out and do something. We’ll call each other for a night in. We’ll watch some bad TV show or another and after a bottle of wine (sangria if he’s smart), I’m sure I’ll crack. Yes, I tell him this. Why not? He clearly has no brain filter and no shame. Tit for tat, I say.

Anyway, around 8:00pm I get a text, “So, are we getting nekkid tonight?” Um, wow. Did he not understand that I wasn’t really interested? “Not tonight my dear” was my response. “Well call me later, I’m fucking bored out of my mind.”  I couldn’t make this shit up.

OK. How about some audience participation? What is the most backhanded (or inappropriate or retarded) compliment you’ve ever received?


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  1. * Jo says:

    Ahem, words of wisdom from many guy friends: Since you were 13 years old, every guy you’ve ever met (family excluded) has wanted to bang you. There are no exceptions to that rule.

    And burping on command, you have to open your throat as if you’re swallowing air, let it in then let it out. It’s opening the throat as if you’re about to throw up, sounds gross but it’s not really.

    Cheers on the belching advice. But I think I have to disagree w/ the every guy that I’ve met since I was 13 years old wanting to bang me. I was gross. And completely unbangable. But it is a nice thought.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 7 months ago
  2. * Arjewtino says:

    “I’d fuck you if you were taller.”

    good think I’ve never said anything like that to anyone ever. because that’s just mean.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 7 months ago
  3. * carrie m says:

    who says you’re unlucky with men?!?! not I!!

    under no other context than just to say it from a male coworker (when I worked in a restaurant): “you have some tig ass bitties.”

    That is not a compliment I would ever receive. Ever. I might get “you have some biny ass toobies.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 7 months ago
  4. From a girl who got separated a couple of weeks before I met her: “you’re not a rebound guy…you’re the guy I should date in 6 months.”

    Is that like an IOU? A raincheck? Like, can you redeem that shit? “Hey, it’s been six months, can we bang now?”

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 7 months ago
  5. * Sam says:

    A comment from a girl I’d just gone out on a date with, on seeing a picture of an ex-girlfriend after coming home with me: “Wow. She’s cute. Kind of shocking, really; I’d always figured I was way out of your league.”

    Like, um, no? Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still take that pity-fuck, but I don’t have to thank you for it.

    Hmm… I’ve never thought of ‘pity fucking’. But again, these are things you just don’t say out loud.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 7 months ago
  6. * jess says:

    the most retarted thing? a really really hot guy (worst. kisser. ever. it was like getting hurt w/out the fun spanking part) invited me to see him at work… he was a teacher… and suggested getting down on the couch in his classroom. which make me think of little kids being near sex. his sex. their trusted teacher’s sex. which still makes me shiver.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 7 months ago
  7. * Laundro says:

    the same thing basically happened to me in college. his name was charlie, if i remember correctly. details are a little fuzzy by now.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 7 months ago
  8. * dailycraziness says:

    This guy needs to meet Dr. Phil, or Oprah, or the underside of my boot. Maybe he’s just really trying too hard to be funny and cool, and inside he’s kicking himself for saying all the wrong things. We all do it. Or maybe he’s just an asshat and shouldn’t be let out of the house. Ever. It would definitely be fun to meet this guy though. He sounds like he’d be good for a laugh at the very least 🙂

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 7 months ago
  9. * Catherinette says:

    Wow. What a catch. Know what? I think I know that guy-we may have dated. He used the following line to try to hook me: take off your pants or give me my shoes. So hot!

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 7 months ago
  10. * Lisa says:

    Wow, is that guy dense! I’m trying to think of something other than the – you’re pretty and smart so why aren’t you married what’s wrong with you? b-s that I’ve just been complaining about. I just can’t come up with anything.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 7 months ago
  11. * freckledk says:

    My Mom: “My friends were over last week, and we were talking about you girls, and they agreed that you were the prettiest of the sisters. I was surprised. I thought they would have said Courtney.”

    And please do not fuck that guy.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 7 months ago
  12. * roissy says:

    But the best stripper knows that she is going to get the most money out of the poor sod if she at least makes the guy think there is a chance he could get laid. Am I wrong?

    the hottest stripper gets the most money.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 6 months ago

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