Average Jane

“Balls to the Wall September” Is Over

“So, why aren’t you married like everyone else around here?” a stranger asked at a bar here in suburbia.

“Because no one’s offered?” was all I came up with. And yes. My answer was posed as a question. The real answer eludes me.

But it’s the truth. No one has offered. As a matter of fact, it’s been harder and harder to get anyone to offer *anything* these days. Hell, I’d settle for someone offering to pull out my chair at this point. Maybe I’ll catch someone in a good enough mood to offer to hold the door for me. The IT guy did offer to change my battery today. But that’s only after I submitted my ticket to the help desk, so, um, he kinda had to.

But whatever. I’ll take it.

Now, for updates:

In one of the ballsiest moves in “Balls to the Wall September”, I gave a guy my number last week at the gym. Med student at Georgetown. About to take a Tae Kwon Do class. We quipped back and forth a little as I sat there looking as hot as I could given that I was about as not-hot as possible: wearing black cropped yoga pants that showed off my soccer mom panty lines and a black tank top (which does make my shoulders look friggen fabulous). My hair was pointing in every possible direction and I had a slight au de gym socks. HOT! But whatever, we had a nice conversation and as he got up he introduced himself. I saw my in and handed him my card. No time to find a pen. I never heard back. Shocker.

Still no word from the Jewish Lawyer, although Carrie M. almost won for best prediction when she said he’d be the first to call me. *Almost* because I was told by his friend that he had *intended* to write me back, but just “hadn’t gotten around to it yet”. Can anyone interpret that for me? Like, can I get an over/under on him actually calling or even just writing back?

So, that gets us through September. Score card: Five valiant efforts. One response from a very kind radiology tech gently letting my ass down.

Now we enter October. What does October have in store, you ask? One really depressing wedding, one cabin camping trip with all couples, me, and my recent ex, and Halloween. October was supposed to be “Finally Get Some Ass October”, but it’s not looking great. I did get a Jdate inquiry this evening. He seems to have promise which means I will inevitably do something to completely fuck it up because that’s what mama does best. Inadvertently creep these guys out enough to run the other way. Quickly. And with vigor.

What to look forward to… hmm… Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelll….. the hotel we’re staying at in Jacksonville for the wedding DOES have free scooters! Free! For Real!  So that’s something. And I am getting coffee/smoothie/beer/dinner with Carrie M. on Tuesday. So that’s something, too.

Maybe I should set some goal. Ooh, better than that, why don’t YOU all set some goals for me. I took your advice on giving a note to the radiologist and it actually paid off in that he wrote me back and didn’t call the cops. Perhaps this should just turn into a “choose Jane’s adventure” blog. That could be fun.

Your tasks: Grade me on my September efforts at finding “love” and set some goals for me for October. I can’t wait to see this…


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  1. * jess says:

    I’m humbled by the fact that you’re so brave. I don’t know anyone who has the cojones to risk it like you have in Sept. And if I can use a baseball metaphor, September is when you build yourself up for the playoffs. October is the postseason, when all the preparation you’ve made finally pays off. So I’m pulling for a strong October with many more opportunities at, uh, (metaphor mangled) many more home runs.

    My goal for you in October, besides, you know, more experimentation with the stripper pole (heh heh), is to give yourself more credit (because you deserve it) for how incredibly brave you are to take the risks you are taking.

    My bravery is nothing more than a lack of shame and a lack of inhibition. Sometimes all I want to be is “wanted”… I want to be chased. I want to be pursued. But my fingers aren’t crossed. But neither are my legs.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 6 months ago
  2. * Laundro says:

    Is marriage the end goal?

    No. A date is the end goal. Maybe some salacious interlude that I can entertain you with. Marriage is a nice thought, but it’s not even on my radar.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 6 months ago
  3. * Jenny says:

    Interpretation of Jewish lawyer’s non-response: It particularly depends on how long ago he got your info. If it was more than a week ago, then rack him up to “another gutsy attempt.” If it’s been under a week, then he may be adhering to the “guy rule” #327 — don’t call her for at least a week lest you appear too interested.

    Your goals for this month? I agree with jess. You need to think more highly of yourself and the ballsy efforts you’ve made. In the eternal words of Carrie Bradshaw from “Sex & the City”:

    “Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.”

    Thanks, Jenny! I am going to try to just enjoy it all. The answer to your question about the lawyer is he’s had it well over 2 weeks. So… case closed. Bummer, though. He was a good catch.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 6 months ago
  4. * Leon says:

    I have to go back and read about all of the “Balls To The Wall September” exploits, but the fact that you stepped up to the plate and followed through is commendable.

    Oh yes, you’ll enjoy all of my exploits. Basically, here’s the gist. I have no shame. I also have no dates. So… there ya go. Welcome to the blog. Take your shoes off. Relax. Have a beer.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 6 months ago
  5. * Heidi says:

    I’m glad you are not seeing marriage as this “trump card” that so many other people do. It’s as people honestly and genuinely feel the minute they get married, that, bam, there you go, I’m an adult, and this is my spouse, and this the house we are going to live in, and I’m saving for retirement, etc. Then about a year or two goes by, and sometimes they make it to a five-year mark, before they realize that, well, maybe it wasn’t the best hand to play after all. Not the worst, and it might have worked out happily, but the platform wasn’t high as you initially thought it was.

    As for a goal, try having a one-night stand, if you haven’t had one before. I only slept with one guy in my life, my ex-b/f who, ironically, now resides in D.C. (I’m in Ohio). It took me months before I decided to sleep with him, and now that I’m seeing someone, I’m wondering if I want to wait months again, or say the hell with it and have some fun. It might not be a one-night, but even though I’ve been single for over a year, I still feel a sense of guilt being with someone else. I’ve often wondered if I had, to coin the phrase, “a good hard d1cking,”* from someone else, that it would help ease my anxiety, and my guilt, about being with someone else.

    *I misspelled on purpose. I wasn’t sure about language.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 6 months ago

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