Average Jane



How would you knock me out? — Another JDate story

OK, this time I may have been asking for it.

He said in his profile that he did a short stint as a stand up comic… and that he liked making people laugh. He included some cheesy fake jdate horror story as a profile ice breaker. He said puns were welcome. At 5’10”, he met my minimum height requirement so when he IMed me, I gladly said “hello”.

Thinking a funny story would break the non-profile ice, I told him that I had just spilled scalding hot tea on my lap, which gave me the perfect excuse to put my hands down my pants at Starbucks. I called it my ‘Starbucks fantasy”.

I KNOW! I know. No scolding required! I was weak! And really not funny, and that is precisely why I am quite sure everything that henceforth transpired was entirely my fault.

He said one of his fantasies was to have the right amount of ice in his iced latte, and to have sex with a barista… And then we moved on.

He asked me about my luck on Jdate (always a great question, considering if I had any luck I wouldn’t be on F-ing Jdate). I told him about my theory on sex crazed Jewish men on JDate who are out for take-home-to-mom one night stand ass. With no reaction, he moved right along.

He asked me if he could tell me one of his JDate horror stories. Yeah, of course. Why not? But first… oh, but first… he turned on his web cam. I didn’t even know there was web-cam functionality, but before I knew it, there he was. White ski cap, short beard, white long sleeve t-shirt. For a Jew? Not bad. “Do you mind the webcam?” Um… no?

I told him that since he couldn’t see me, he should know that I was sitting in my prom gown with a tiara and wand. He said he had imagined me in something a little tighter, so I told him it was from 5th grade and was most definitely tight.

I wish I had copy and pasted the conversation we had from the beginning, but I didn’t, so I’ll have to paraphrase: He went on a date with this girl at a bar. When he arrived, she was already getting drunk, and was arguing with two women about politics. He pulls her away and into a more secluded area and caught up with her level of intoxication. She tells him one of her fantasies in a drunken state, and asks him to tell her one of his. He obliges. She is intrigued and possibly interested, but then gets too drunk and gets sick and has to get home.

“Do you want to hear my fantasy? I don’t mind telling you.”

“Um, no, I think I’m ok with just the one fantasy admission from a stranger per night”

“Oh, come on. I don’t mind…” He was, um, eager to share.

“Fine.”

“Well, I happen to have it already prepared from something I wrote the other night.”

WARNING: This ain’t for the kiddies.

I meet a woman for drinks at a hotel bar or her place. We get a little tipsy and engage in a bit of foreplay – once she sees that I’m quite aroused she walks back into the bedroom and tells me to follow her. The lights are dim and as I enter I don’t see where she went. All of a sudden, she sneaks up behind me and knocks me out with chloroform/ether (role played though) – I struggle to break free, but it’s too late – she knocks me out cold and puts me onto the bed – rolls me over and strips me completely naked – admiring what she’s done. She then ties my arms/legs to the bedposts and begins taking complete and full advantage of me while I’m knocked out cold. I then come to a bit later and find her on top of me – smiling –for she realizes just how much power she has over me. She continues to dominate me further and enjoys her captive.

 

*Crickets*

So remember that thing I said about JDate being full of absolute freaks? The ones who just want a piece of “nice Jewish girl” ass? Yeah. No.

He asks me, “So what part of my fantasy do you find interesting, exciting, or fun? And “all of it” doesn’t count. I dodged like a champ. A dodgeball champ. I am a JDate dodgeball champ!

“Well, it’s certainly interesting,” I tell him.

“No, come on,” he implores, “what did you find most interesting, exciting, or fun? And ‘all of it’ doesn’t count.” A question, twice, verbatim.

I say, “I have a long list of questions for you, but none of them involve your fantasy.”

“What did you find most interesting, exciting, or fun about my fantasy?” Three times. Verbatim. Creepy. I had been advised by my friend that I should be running away from this character, which was advice I actually didn’t need. But before I had the chance for pleasant goodbyes, I receive this:

Humor me a sec…what method, assuming it was only pretend, would you use to knock me out? Just curious.

Holy. Crap.

I sit in complete shock. Oh, I could think of a few ways to knock you out, but chloroform or ether aren’t my top choices.

“I am sure you’ll find some fantasy girl who would be glad to knock you out, but I’m not that girl. Have a great night!”

Oh, and go fuck yourself.

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Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. Welcome to my “blahg” « Average Jane pingbacked on 9 years, 7 months ago
  2. 200! (and 1) « Average Jane pingbacked on 8 years, 11 months ago
  3. JDateless and Loving It « Average Jane pingbacked on 6 years, 7 months ago

Comments

  1. * TheHostileDwarf says:

    You couldn’t even humor the man and tell him you’d hit him with a car?

    Had I it to do all over again…

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 9 months ago
  2. * redshrt04 says:

    lol- that is ridiculous. what a freakshow.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 9 months ago
  3. * TSG says:

    Whoa. I’ve never been on JDate, but it seems like it draws the crazies out of the woodwork. I feel for you girl, this stuff is absurd.

    I would go ahead and suggest not bothering with JDate. Unless you’re a complete freak. In which case you are in a target rich environment. I haven’t heard much about “quintessential jdate girls” but… umm… we’re pretty insane, too. 🙂

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 9 months ago
  4. * Laundro says:

    Holy freak show! Maybe the interweb isn’t the place to meet people?

    Ya know, at this point, it’s for pure entertainment. I could never date one of these freaks. But it’s entertaining at the very least.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 9 months ago
  5. Question: “Humor me a sec…what method, assuming it was only pretend, would you use to knock me out? Just curious.”

    (what you should’ve) Answer(ed): A choke hold…probably a triangle choke…you know, so I could simultaneously punch you in the face while I do it. That’s what I do on all my JDates. Have I mentioned that I’m really a man?

    See… another reason why I need a verizon sized “team” of people at my house at all time to tell me what perfectly sarcastic hilarious retorts I should be delivering… rather than my pathetic, “um… good night and good luck.”

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 9 months ago
  6. Maybe the answer here is to STOP USING JDATE. If they are all “out for take-home-to-mom one night stand ass” and the stories are getting stranger by the second…

    WTF?

    Just a suggestion, little sister.

    But aren’t you enjoying the debacle that is my dating life? Doesn’t it give you some modicum of joy? Aren’t all big brothers just a little bit sadistic? Or is this the protective big brother coming out. I never got that with my big brother so I’m a little confused.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 9 months ago
  7. * jess says:

    wow. wow. well, at least you don’t have to get tested for illegal use of a webcam on his part….

    why exactly wouldn’t you want to bring this guy home to the folks? 🙂

    Well I brought the last masochistic guy home to mom and while they got along well, she wasn’t pleased when he stuck his head in the oven with her brisket. I decided to vet a little better next time.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 9 months ago
  8. * freckledk says:

    Wow oh wow oh wow. Oh wow.

    Please don’t stop using JDate…these stories make me feel so much better about myself!

    Finally someone who gets it. See? I’m very altruistic in my dating. *sings* “Everything I dooooo… I do it for youuuu….”

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 9 months ago
  9. * Baby Bien says:

    Why do I suddenly have the theme song to “Law & Order” in my head?

    Oh, I don’t knot. But wouldn’t it be great if I could have a theme song play all day, like in that episode of Family Guy? Oh hot damn… The theme song to my dating life is “Law and Order”. Maybe this guy’s should be “Paralyzer”?

    Alright, everyone — What’s the theme song to your dating life?

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 9 months ago
  10. * carrie m says:

    holy. shit.

    that is the best…erm, worst…dating site IM story ever. congrats, jane.

    WTF? was that a police officer posing as a jdater looking for female man haters or something?

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 9 months ago
  11. I, for one, can’t help but hope you keep trying. It’s the journey, and your experiences along the way, that make the trip … not the destination.

    That said, I’m with THD who suggested “with a car”. Choice “B” would be “Mike Tyson”.

    And. *crickets* … I could actually hear them as I read that.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 9 months ago
  12. * PRSlaveDC says:

    “take-home-to-mom one night stand ass” – It’s true… as a Jewish male I can confirm this is all I’m really looking for.

    As long as she still makes me pancakes in the morning…

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 9 months ago
  13. * noelle says:

    Ugh that’s ridiculous and yet completely hysterical, what a freak show!! I’ve never tried Jdate but have dated jewish men and they all were a bit “off”! I found the same type of crazies on Match.com, so if you were thinking of trying there..I’d advise not too. They appear attractive, intelligent, witty, but oh how wrong I have been, I have some truly scary stories, I’m totally done with online dating.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 9 months ago
  14. * Sundry says:

    I think perhaps you should really be saying “go UN-fuck yourself dude”.

    Ahh the perils and joys of online-dating.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 9 months ago
  15. * Arjewtino says:

    “For a Jew? Not bad.”

    What is that supposed to mean?

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 9 months ago
  16. * Mandy says:

    Hi-larious miss jane.

    How would you knock ME out?

    Hmmm?

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 9 months ago
  17. * Hey Pretty says:

    I don’t think that J Date is for you.

    But my opinion aside, that sort of behavior is downright *predatory*. I hate that the internet gives me a forum to harass strange women behind some sort of veil of semi-anonominity. I’d consider reporting him. Also, never ever subscribe to the mindset that you’ve *asked* for any inappropriate behavior from members of the opposite sex. I know it’s an easy trap to fall into, but ultimately it only serves to further validate their power.

    *stepping down off feminist soap box*

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 9 months ago
  18. * Whateva says:

    Great story…one question:

    What is a long sleeve t-shirt? Not nitpicking here…ok, no, I am…but wouldn’t the long sleeve part negate the t-shirt part?

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 9 months ago
  19. oh, yeah, I meant to ask that, too.. just like Argewtino did.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 9 months ago
  20. * Sam says:

    Want to hear my fantasy, Jane? You’re sitting alone at home, wearing your prom dress, when some crazy-ass Jew IMs you through J-Date and tells you his freak-show fantasy about being sexually assaulted by some chick who’s still using a 1970s rape MO instead of graduating to ruphies. Then he asks you what you like about his fantasy and what you’d use to knock him out. You giggle and answer:

    “A pnuematic hammer.”

    “A what?” he says, stunned as if he’d just been hit with…well, you know.

    “A pnuematic hammer. You know, the kind they use to kill cattle at meat packing plants.”

    “You…uh…” he stammers as you see his brow furrow onto the web cam.

    Onamotopoetically, you type, “whooosh! *THUMP*” just before closing the chat window, at which point the crazy-assed Jew boy is dead to you forever, as if you had dispatched him with a…well, you know.

    …so, what did you find intriguing about my fantasy? 😛

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 9 months ago
  21. * Genevieve says:

    hahaha i love it! man, i would’ve had SO MUCH FUN messing with that dude’s head.

    people that talk about sex on the internet are creepy 😦

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 9 months ago
  22. * M@ says:

    Try HonkeyDate.Com.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 9 months ago
  23. * roissy says:

    guys are weird.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 9 months ago
  24. * Marc says:

    What exactly is “take-home-to-mom one night stand ass?” Seems like a contradiction…unless the guy lives with his mom, and introduces the skank du jour to her before nailing her in the bedroom he’s lived in all his life.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 9 months ago
  25. * sarafina says:

    It’s true. All of it. The J date thing is weird. At first I felt I could trust some of the people I met on line bcus of the shared heritage and in fact I did become friendly with a few but I totally understand- most were total creeps- Jewish men are just regular guys after all… I think it’s the Jewish ‘husband’ women aspire to or the stereotype of the Jewish husband which is a mensch- a good guy.

    I was let down over some of the experiences I had on JDATE. Unfortunate but very true.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 7 months ago


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