It’s not that interesting but…
It’s so rare that I sit at home without the TV on. It’s rare-er that I sit at home and just listen to music which is ridiculous because I love me some music. But I came home tonight and just didn’t want “company”. You know the saying, “it’s not drinking alone if the TV is on,” and I kind of subscribe to that.
Today I learned that I am an ENTJ. I won’t go into that right now, but it would make for quite the post. As a matter of fact, in the comments, let me know what your MBTI Personality Profile is. I’m terribly curious. But I digress.
So I “learned” that I am an extrovert. That’s the “E”. Genius, I know. And what did we learn about E’s? We are people-people. We could be going all day long and be exhausted from work and then jump in our cars and go to a meeting, party, or happy hour and be fine all night. The group leader essentially said, “Extrovert’s ‘re-energize’ around other people.” This, she contrasted, with introverts who recharge alone.
Tonight was a night where I went into work early, had a workshop all day, worked late, drove straight to a meeting, which was actually a pre-meeting to the real meeting, then came home to finally eat dinner around 10:00. Frozen dinner. I love being a bachelorette.
Then I sat on my couch, picked up the remote, and put it back down. I didn’t want company. I didn’t want to hear people talking. I heard people talking all day… I heard people talking all night. I even called a friend on the way home, because I missed him. But when I hung up, all I wanted was alone-ness. I wanted to be an introvert. Sometimes I dream of being introverted. Maybe I’ll try that one day. People would think something was wrong with me.
So I put the remote down, picked up my computer. I selected the band of the night… “The Starting Line”. And I listened. I cruised the internets. I decided to check in with my favorite bloglings. This is the first time I’ve chilled out like this in as long as I can remember. No TV. No chatter in the background.
I think I am so used to hearing people talking that it was natural to have the TV on regardless of whether I was paying attention or not. But that is draining me, I think. My poor subconscious was trying to follow the plot while my conscious mind was trying to effectively rot my brain on the computer.
But not so with music. The music weaves in and out of the words in a way that just makes it easier to digest… like baby mushed peas. Or whatever.
Living out here in suburbia, it seems like I am always around people, and not good kinds of city people, but mean, pushy suburban mom types. No polite “hellos” in the elevator. No random conversation in fun places like the bookstore. It’s overcrowded and “in your face” yet pathetically insular: the worst possible combination.
I’m overwhelmed at work, and at home. I’m overwhelmed by my friends and lack of friends. I’m overwhelmed thinking about everything I’m overwhelmed about. I am so happy but sometimes lonely. I am lonely but surrounded all day every day. I am tired of being “on”.
So tonight I did “alone” on my terms. Listening to music that you’d probably hate, looking at the same stupid websites over and over again, and enjoying my secret dream of introversion. Which sounds like perversion. Which is *not* my dream. Just to be clear.
Oh, yeah. And tomorrow’s my birthday.