Average Jane



Crack-ed

Today I cracked. I’ve known for a while now that it was coming, that it was time, and all at once, seated in my dimly lit office at 6:30pm, I cracked.

The act of crying happens in stages. It’s the stinging eyes, the welling of tears, the tingle in the nose, the sniffiness… then someone says something, anything, and the flood gates open. The wells in your eyes overflow, gush with emotion that you (that I) have been pushing down for weeks, months.

And for me, while the culprit was the stress of the day, these tears were a manifestation of frustration, of pain, of disappointment that I have had weighing on my heart for longer than I can imagine. I wanted to cry. I’ve needed to cry. But the tears never came…

It is not uncommon to have breakdowns at work — but this was the first I’ve had since I’ve been at this job. This job that I love so much. And for once it wasn’t because I was overwhelmed and didn’t want to be there. I felt like a disappointment to my boss. I felt like I let down my team. 1 year and 7 days after I was hired at my job… my job I love so much… I still feel like I don’t know enough, can’t manage my time right… I still feel like a hack.

I have been in more self-defeaty than usual lately, my self confidence on indefinite hiatus, lonelier than ever despite being surrounded by the most amazing friends.

I know it’s all cyclical, so here’s to hoping this mess turns itself around soon.

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Comments

  1. Everybody goes through those kind of feelings of self doubt at work. See:

    http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/05/health/05mind.html?_r=1&scp=5&sq=fraud&st=nyt&oref=slogin

    chin up! It’s not as bad as you think it is.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 6 months ago
  2. * carrie m says:

    ugh. love you, hon. you know i’m here.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 6 months ago
  3. * Andi says:

    I’ve been there. Believe me, it gets better. And the crying helps.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 6 months ago


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