Average Jane



Another PostSecret – It’s not sad, It’s just true

“When I tell people that I don’t think marriage is for me…  What I really mean is that I don’t think anyone will ever love me… I hope I’m wrong.”

-Anonymous, PostSecret

A few weeks ago at an ilyAIMY show at College Perk, I met a girl around my age, Melody.  I felt I knew her. We had an instant connection. Perfectly pleasant, and perfectly intoxicated, Melody opened up to me about her life. She had been married for a few years but had recently left her husband and had started dating someone she worked with. She was in love. It had only been 3 weeks. We decided that we should definitely keep in touch and a few days later we made plans to meet for brunch. Today was that day.

The conversation started thusly, “So who are you? What are you about?” I started in on my story – my life. I said that in college I had no friends, that I was lonely and angry. That I stayed angry for a long time. “Well, what are you so angry about?”

A popular question.

I explained that I was angry about a lot of things. About being violently alone. About being forced into independence early in life. About my failed romantic life. About being misunderstood. Mind you, this is the second time I’ve met this girl.

We started talking about her life and her marriage. Why it failed. She said that only recently was she able to admit that she left her husband for this other guy, no matter how much she wants to think she did it for herself. She said her husband had been “safe” and “in his own head”. That “he didn’t like summers” and “liked rainy days”. I asked her, “but isn’t it human nature to want to be safe? She agreed, saying that she really needed to work out why she left her marriage so as not to fall into a pattern of relationship abandonment forever more. I agreed. Maybe marriage just isn’t for her. She said she agreed.

I explained that my theory on marriage had changed drastically through the years. From an un-kissed 18 year old who was bound and determined to wait until marriage to have sex… a young woman who swore those of my friends who thought marriage was an unnecessary, society driven, antiquated construct were just in denial and lonely…  to an adult who really wonders if marriages actually work. If they are relevant in today’s society. If they are the very antiquated, failing construct that my friends in college had told me they were.

Melody wanted to know what happened? What made me change so drastically? I told her it may be my parents trapped in a loveless marriage. May be my life of alone-ness that I have become to comfortable in.

But I think I’ve said it before, and maybe now, because I’ve seen someone else say it so eloquently, so honestly, can I really admit it to myself once and for all.

It’s not that I don’t believe in marriage. It’s just easier to rage against that particular machine than contemplate the fact that I may just be unlovable. Maybe I am so scared of being alone that I’ve built an impenetrable fortress of solitude.

But now what? What difference does it make to admit that to myself if I have no one in my life to practice trusting? That I have no one in my life to practice loving?

The answer is to keep getting stronger on the inside, maybe. Get strong enough on the inside that the walls of my fortress can’t contain my anger anymore and the walls finally come down.

Maybe.  Just maybe.

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Comments

  1. * Merujo says:

    That particular PostSecret resonated with me, too. I actually saved the image to my computer and have looked at it a couple of times tonight. Excellent writing. Wish I could write about my own aloneness with such eloquence.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 2 months ago
  2. * Ibid says:

    Some people claim that’s what I mean when I say I don’t want kids.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 2 months ago
  3. * Becca says:

    People always say, “you’ll never find someone to love you until you love yourself.” And yet, I know lots of people who have a terrible self-image but are loved. What I have come to believe that sentiment means is, “when you love yourself, you stop caring so much if anyone else does.”

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 2 months ago
  4. * Ibid says:

    “you’ll never find someone to love you until you…”

    …stop doing things you enjoy and go out among other people who are also out doing things they don’t particularly like until they can finally stay home with someone else.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 2 months ago
  5. * lacochran says:

    Interesting post and perspective. I expect you’re right that the angry vibes push people back. You might try small steps… like changing from shooting daggers to a neutral look, you know, as an experiment. Could be fun.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 2 months ago


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