Average Jane



Drinking on a school night?

It was Monday morning. I had a 9:30 call with our contractor at work, so of course the first obligatory question was, “So how was your weekend?” It sucked. I was exhausted and cranky and wishing the weekend hadn’t happened. And, of course, I told her that. It was only after a moment of awkward silence that I said to her… “Shoot. Can I start over? ‘I’m fine! The weekend was lovely. How was your 4th?'” I explained to her that I had a momentary lapse and forgot that you weren’t really supposed to tell people how you are when they ask, especially not coworkers. I apologized. She laughed. Her 4th was great.

So, please, don’t ask me how I am. No, “how’ ya doin?” Not even a “you alright?” Because I can tell you the answer, and it’s not what you want to hear.

I am not alright. I am (relatively) healthy. Bonus. But I am not alright.

However, I do not have the emotional nor social capabilities to deal with the emotions that I’m feeling. So, lately, rather than sit and wallow, I’ve been drinking. I’m not getting drunk, but I am certainly not staying sober. I am 100% deluding myself into thinking that drinking will make it ok, and as I was reminded tonight, that is just not the case.

Let me set the stage for you: [Note: My dad has been trying to find my blog for a while now. Should he have found it, “Hi, Dad! This is about to get awkward.”]

The other night a friend of mine told me that all this anger and discontent was simply a case of sexual frustration. Is it possible?Β  Me having a purely carnal and non emotionally damaging tryst with someone simply for the sake of “the fuck”? I just cannot fathom it.

Good thing this isn’t something I have to spend too much time thinking about. Why? Thanks for asking.

#1, I can’t get a guy to look at me twice.
#2, I have no game. And the proposed notion that my lack of game is my game is a load of fucking horseshit.

Here’s the truth: I don’t meet new people. I have no single friends. I am involved in no extracurricular activities. Online dating has been a fucking debacle. And I am getting scared. I am lonely and scared. And when I do get out, on the rare occasion, I have no idea what to do. I have no idea what to say.

So tonight my friend, the one who got me in the mindset of this need for a sexual release, he unintentionally leads me to believe that there’s someone who might be amenable to the situation — to me as a situation — and we all decide to get together. And this guy… the ONE guy… who I thought I could have some shot with… the guy I got all dressed up for (and I looked amazing)… the guy who after 2 years got to see me all fresh and new and “better”… well no one tells me until the night is over and I’m back in my car with wilting mascara and 3 drinks under my belt that he’s “got someone. Sorry.”

Yeah. Me, too. Because now in addition to feeling like a loser for flirting with a guy with a girlfriend all night, I ALSO feel like a loser for going home alone again after drinking at the sleaziest bar in town on a fucking “school night”.

And look, don’t write me with pity fuck invitations because that’s not it. I’m angry because I’m lonely and unappealing and mentally screwed up beyond recognition. I’m angry for a lot of reasons beyond my inability to get laid. What bothers me most is that I thought I had a chance. I thought I was getting set up for some sort of … heck, I don’t know. I thought I had the chance to feel good about myself as a sexual being and all along I was being mislead in the worst way.

But I’m not crying. No fucking way. I am strong. Don’t you worry about me… don’t you dare worry about me. I am a fucking survivor. It’s what I do.

Advertisements

Trackbacks & Pingbacks

Comments

  1. Doing some random blog surfing and came across yours. I rather enjoy your style; and sorry about the evening going sideways at the end. We have all been there.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 1 month ago
  2. * Sam says:

    Having read your blog for a little while, I can promise you that your dad learning about your sex life is the least of your worries insofar as awkwardness. πŸ™‚

    So…based entirely on your description of your situation, and having never met you, it doesn’t sound like you’re sexually frustrated. Well, it *does,* but self-medicating with booze is not usually the outlet most people choose to deal with that if that’s their fundamental problem. I’m not going to venture to tell you what I think is wrong, only to suggest the possibility that strange ass might not be what you need to cure what ails you.

    …see, you thought guys were going to post here offering to bang you, and now we’re suggesting that you don’t actually have to bang anyone! πŸ™‚

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 1 month ago
  3. * CC says:

    What constructive posts from random male strangers! Rove you πŸ™‚

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 1 month ago
  4. * Ibid says:

    I completely get where you’re coming from.
    You’re going along, you’re single, you’re fine with it, you’re just living your life, and then a co-worker or someone decides they need to set you up. Now, you know this is a bad idea. You have enough trouble making things work with single friends you’re attracted do. But you don’t want to hurt that persons feelings and you do kinda hope that it’ll work. Presumably the person they’re setting you up with is also single and at least a little interested in dating. Then you have a week(ish) for some glimmer of hope to build. You put some effort into your appearance.

    Then you meet. They didn’t tell her that you’re a foot shorter than her and she doesn’t date guys under 7 ft. She was out drinking all night last night and should be off recovering. Something comes up and she can’t make the event you’re supposed to meet at. Your coworker thought that you’d connect despite the fact that she has 3 kids and you don’t want any. Or, in one case, she has one eye about two inches lower than the other and she’s the one rejecting you.

    And you go home disappointed. You didn’t know the person. You didn’t particularly like the person. But for a brief moment you had some hope. It feels like rejection even if it was a mutual “why did you think we’d click?” And the only thing to do is get a couple of cases of a good beer or wine in stock, snuggle up with the dog, and wait a week or two for that psychological barrier to go back up.

    Have a drink on me.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 1 month ago
  5. * sas says:

    fucking hell. i dont know how old you are but you sound pretty immature and insecure.

    most guys have to put up with this bullshit (i.e. leading them on when they have a bf) from women all the time.

    it happens to you once and you blog about it. big deal.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 1 month ago
  6. sas – the poster child for irony.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 1 month ago
  7. * hannah says:

    No offense but you sound very immature and annoying. Like, this is exactly what guys don’t like, an insecure debbie downer. And what kind of self-respecting girl TRIES to get laid? Thats a sure sign of a slut and you should be ashamed.

    | Reply Posted 4 years, 11 months ago
  8. Fastidious answer back in return of this query with firm arguments and telling the whole thing regarding that.

    | Reply Posted 2 years, 11 months ago


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: