Average Jane

Would you rather, Officer?

The game is “would you rather”.

The question was mine.

“Would you rather… get caught pooping in the woods or masturbating?”

The bottle Red Label had long been demolished and the British Navy rum was well on its way to meeting the same fate. Given that we were camping, the darkness implied some sort of “night” but gave no inkling to the time. The camp was quiet, but fires were burning up and down the road.

It was duck_typer who was in the middle of his thoughtful response when a shadowy figure appeared at our camp site.

As if straight out of a really bad porn, a park police officer type emerged from the darkness shining his manly flashlight onto our giggling gaggle of campers. “Quiet hours began at 11:00 and It’s 11:35. I doubt your neighbors want to hear about your…” I was so hoping he wouldn’t say the word, “…masturbation.”

The conversation went on about our inappropriate behavior for another minute or two, and then his man-light started exploring our wet bar, by now consisting mostly of empty bottles. “Is everyone here 21?” he asks of a group of 4 nearly 30 year olds and me (26 and a half). Of course. We all start moving toward our respective wallets except Mama S who declared her sobriety and didn’t budge. Jakeherringbone and Nero found their licenses with “ease”. duck_typer (6’5”, full beard) searched for and failed to locate his wallet. Mr. Park Policeman was apparently satisfied that he was of age. I wandered around for a bit but couldn’t for my life figure out where my wallet was. I said nothing and just hoped he’d go away.

Nero (6’5”, looks older than most of us) handed his license to the nice Officer. The officer examined the license and asked him for his zip code. Nero responded and *dingdingding* got it right. Jakeherringbone handed his over next. “Sir, what is your apartment number.”

“Umm…. 451, or 435…” he responded. Now, we all knew he had just moved less than a year ago, but the officer was suspicious. “Let’s try this again. What’s your birthday?” Jake responded accurately. The officer grinned and said… “You weren’t even close on the apartment. But I didn’t think it was fake.” Apparently when Jake and his now-wife moved to their new building over 2 years ago, he never changed his address. [Note: Hey kids – figure out what your license says. Seem obvious? Yeeeeahhh…we thought so, too.]

“Alright,” he said. “Thanks. Just one more thing. Can someone open that black pouch?” He pointed to my camera case. For some reason, even though I knew my camera was in there, a slight panic settled over me. “What if there’s something in there I forgot about? I mean- I’ve never done any illegal anythings, but what if some stranger came by and put something in there and I didn’t know about it…?”

“It’s a camera.” I watch Cops all the time… so I know the drill. No sudden movements. Tell him when you’re going to make a move. Show everything and never look shady. “Alright,” I said. “I’m gonna open it.” I slowly removed the camera from the pouch and opened the pouch toward the flashlight so he could see I had nothing to hide.

He thanked us. Reminded us to keep it down. Went on his little way. We sat in silence for a long time. The giggles started slowly and after a while we were back at it. It never was decided which the majority would rather, after all.

In the morning, with the rest of the bottle of rum finished sometime between the campsite invasion and their eventual slumber some 2 hours later, the boys were feeling rough. The story was just as funny, though, and will go down in the awesome-camping-stories Hall of Fame.


Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. “Would You Rather” Wednesday: Inagural Edition « Average Jane pingbacked on 9 years, 9 months ago
  2. “Would You Rather” Wednesday: Inaugural Edition « Average Jane pingbacked on 9 years, 9 months ago


  1. What a fuckin’ ass 😮

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 9 months ago
  2. * Sam says:

    The civil libertarian in me wishes you’d challenged him to demonstrate probable cause and refused to open the bag.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 9 months ago
  3. * Maxie says:

    That’s an awesome question… I’m gonna go with pooping, but I guess it would depend on who is catching me.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 1 month ago

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