Average Jane

Peeing in the Woods: Step 1

I cannot pee in the woods. I do not know how and while it does seem pretty intuitive and it can’t be that difficult…

… I can’t fucking do it. Move on.

But today I took a huge step in the right direction. I definitely completed Step 1: Finding a spot and dropping trou.

I go on a 2.5 mile walk as often as possible. It’s a loop, so as loops go, I get further away from my apartment until, well, I start to get closer. Man I wish I could take that statement back. And yes I know there’s “backspace.” Today, I grabbed a coke zero before hitting the road, an interesting choice given my dime size bladder and my 35 minute trek ahead.

Around the end of “Cuntry Boys & City Girls” (Song #3 on the Fratellis 2006 release) I realized I had to pee. Not with any great urgency, but certainly with the awareness that the situation would only get worse. The next 2 songs I plotted: Do I just make a short loop and then go on a second short loop after relieving myself? Do I ask an unwitting gym goer at the apartment complex I pass to sneak me in to pee? Or, do I just hold it. Like a motherfuckingchamp. Clearly, I opted for the latter considering such things as, “Well, I did this to myself. I should have known better than to drink before I left.”

I held it and held it, smoothing out my strides to avoid excess bladder bouncing. Then, I had a brilliant idea. I pass this little lake thing with tall grass and hills that roll down into it. It would be the perfect cover for a stealth piddle, excepting one thing: It sits right on the side of a major road and I was wearing a bright purple tank. The lake took a while to pass, giving me plenty of time to consider my options. When I reached the other side, I noticed an embankment that was adequately covered and adequately high so as not to attract any attention.

I made my move. Walking to the top of the hill, I nestled into a spot and yanked down my pants. I got into what I assume is proper squatting position and held tight. I waited a good 5 seconds before realizing that this was the stupidest thing I’d done all day and yanked my pants back up and went right on my way.

OK. I tried. It was a valid effort and I think the expression of my intent to pee, coupled with the physical preparation for said urinatory act makes me well on my way to success.

Step 2: Friends get subject off-her-ass-drunk and leave her in a field. Coming soon.


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  1. * aBove says:

    Careful now, those tickets for public urination can be expensive.

    I often find myself focusing on my strides should the “urge” strike when I’m running or walking. maybe you’re on to something here. Does a full bladder reduce joint fatigue? Improve form?

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 11 months ago
  2. * kjohnsonesq says:

    It’s probably a good thing you didn’t drop and go. Every time I go camping, I pee late at night and manage to get poison ivy on my butt. Not once, not twice, but three times. Try going to your doctor and explaining that. And the kicker, I still don’t know what the darn plant looks like.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 11 months ago

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