Average Jane

Put down the cell phone.

Pop quiz, hot shot: Average Jane is having one of these two things on a daily basis: Sex or coffee. Which one is it? WHICH ONE?!

Spoiler alert: It isn’t sex.

My life of late has consisted of job hunting and dating. I was shocked to find how similar they are, to be honest.

1) They are both expensive, emotionally and financially
2) They both involve a hell of a lot of rejection
3) They are both a time suck with very little pay off

So, first the update you’ve all been waiting for: No. I don’t have a new job. I have had a slew of interviews spanning the entire US from CA and WA to PA and VA. I have my first second interview on Tuesday. Two phone interviews on Monday. None of these jobs are perfect, but you know what they are? Jobs. Fuck yeah.

Aaaaaand then there was the other thing: Yes. I have been “dating”.  I think I’ve said it before. I can’t make this shit up.

I’ll go ahead and skip right on over this one because he doesn’t really deserve the effort it takes to tell the story. Long story short, the “I really can’t be in a relationship right now” ended up being “I really can’t be in a relationship with you right now” after he friended me on Facebook and was listed as “in a relationship”. I thought it was a typo (not the sharpest tack) but alas, it was not. Bless his heart. He met himself a red head. Now, how can I compete with that?

So then there was obscenely-tall-yogi. This was a J-date, and one that I thought had promise. 6’somethingridiculous” and a yoga instructor (on the side). Jewish. To pay the bills, he was a non-doctor-medical-professional. (Note: I am being vague because any combination of the actual details of his life would lead almost directly to him should any one of you get bored enough to look him up.) He slurred… a lot. The best way I can describe him was “non-linear”. He said that his family’s favorite past time is smoking pot together. Cute, eh? So urgent texts trying to make plans were annoying but not alarming. But when we’d talk it was awkward. It was like he was giving a monologue that I was interrupting with… questions. Comments. Words of any sort. So finally it was time to get together again and something just wasn’t right. We had been calling and texting and he was insistent that I go to his house and he’d drive. I wasn’t keen. I knew something was off. So I texted him (out of fear) and said it just wasn’t going to work out. So he called. Twice. Then he texted. Twice. I finally read the second one. It referenced the fact that he was not a stalker and would delete my number immediately and never contact me again. But that he hoped I’d see the error of my ways and get in touch soon. Because I was awesome and stuff. Needless to say I didn’t respond… apparently to his chagrin as one hour later (almost to the minute) I got a third and final text message asking me to reconsider. Reconsider a second date when the first date wasn’t that great. My gut said no and I listened. I bet he was very bendy, though.

As you know, I have been coffee shop hopping during my job hunt. The one closest to my apartment isn’t my favorite but it is handy so I went over there one morning and was spotted by the new barrist-o. He made awkward small talk and finally said that he had tried to get the nerve up to ask me out the last time he saw me but couldn’t. I think that was his way of asking the second time, so I said – Oh, did you want to grab coffee sometime? He said yes that’s what he meant to say and I have him my number. I got a text about an hour after I left. And then a few more.  He was… intense. He invited me over to his house that night, but I declined… like 6 times. I said we could just meet for coffee in the morning. 10:30. That night I got no less than 30 texts from him. 30. I got five in the 45 minutes I was at the gym. Three of 5 was, “Hey, can I call you on my drive home?”  I texted him immediately upon receipt and put him on text restriction, so naturally he texted me twice to apologize. This was 10pm. 9:30am I get a text, “Are we still on?” Are you fucking kidding me? I was very up front with him. All of his talk the day before about all the stuff we’d do together and all the things he wanted me to learn about him, and how once we spent some time together this and that, I wanted to make sure he knew that this was not the beginning of a relationship. It was a coffee-get-together. After a walk and a tour of his apartment (trust me, I kept my distance), I left. That day I received 15-20 more texts. Intermitent messages came unanswered for the next few days. Sunday morning, though, things came to a head. 8:27am he wrote me: “Hola.” No. You. Didn’t. I looked at the clock and rolled back over. Clearly this was a mistake. But no no. 9:22am I got a follow up, “So do you want to get dinner tonight?” No. I don’t. I can’t. Sorry. “Oh- OK. Well let me know when I can take you out again.” Later that day I got a few more couplets of messages. I told him he needed to stop, and then he texted me again to apologize… again. I snatched up the phone with a velocity rare in my life these days. “Dude. You absolutely must stop texting me. It has to stop…” he cut me off. I didn’t understand. He was sorry. “Whatever. We can hang out, but you have to stop with the texts. It’s too much. it’s been 60 or so and I just met you.” He wanted to know if I was mad at him. “I don’t know you well enough to be mad at you!” Oh my God, he said. You are so complicated. You have so many rules! I hung up on him. I got more texts. I was being demoted back down to just a customer. Then the next one came a few minutes later. I didn’t understand. He was sorry. What is the lesson? The common theme? Tell dudes my phone doesn’t accept text messages. Or stop dating. I’m just bummed I can’t go back to that Starbucks anymore 😦

I still haven’t told you about a few precious gems, but perhaps another time.

The truth is… I’m bored. I needed to type all this out because sometimes I can’t believe what my life has become. I’m sad and depressed and apparently too nice. I had such a lovely New Years Eve. I have had such a great time with my new friend Pam. She is bringing all the funness out in me again.  But all this boy-drama has sucked the life out of me.

Boys… resist the urge to harass girls. I promise, being that eager doesn’t flatter her. It creeps her out.

This may be the worst post ever. Sorry.


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  1. * Emily says:

    What a psycho! I don’t think this is the “worst post ever” but it’s unbelievable what this guy put you through! Hope you have unlimited text messaging.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 3 months ago

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