Average Jane


When I handed the cashier my card, it was most certainly with the assumption that he would never call. But lo and behold come 8:30pm my phone rings and an unfamiliar number appears on the display. Given that I am currently avoiding various undesirable suitors, and given that they are batshitcrazy enough to actually call from a different number to throw of the scent, I let it go to voicemail. My friend was over for dinner. When I retrieved the message I was in the bathroom. (don’t you dare pass judgment)

“OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD,” I screamed from behind the closed door. When I emerged, my guest was thoroughly confused. “Um… What’s wrong?”

“He called. Like – He wasn’t supposed to call but he called. And now I have no idea what to do because in my head he was never going to call and he did and now what?” His message was ambiguous. It half seemed as though he actually thought I needed a recipe for fish, and half seemed like maybe he just had a particularly dry sense of humor. I texted him saying I was with company but that I’d call him back. This was 8:45. Because I wasn’t sure what his hours at the market were, I didn’t call him back until today.

But I did call him back.

The question was, what do I say?

a) “Hi. You’re hot. I like fish. We’re perfect for each other.”
b) “Hi. I made the fish. It was good. Thanks.”
c) “Hi. *crickets* So. Hi.”

Thankfully, saner winds prevailed in the guise of aBove and I ended up a champ. At 11:45am, I returned his call. Naturally, because the forces of nature are all against me, he didn’t pick up.

“Hi. It’s Jane… the somewhat silly Whole Foods customer who left you her number. Anyway, I just wanted to call and say ‘hey’ and see what you were up to. Oh, and thanks! The salmon was great. Talk to you soon!”

And then, because yet again the aforementioned forces of nature are against me, he actually called me back. And wanted to get together. Tonight.

Why does no one say to me, “Hey, Jane? Stop being brave and stop trying to date and stop being nice to strangers and maybe fishmongers aren’t the best option for dating?” Because maybe, just maybe, if someone had, then tonight’s date wouldn’t have been … awkward and hell.

First of all, not a Jew. Not even a little. Second of all, the little step they stand on must be at least 2′ tall because the guy was 2″ shorter than me at least. Third, I should have gathered from the phone call that he was mildly dull, but because I’m an idiot and a sucker for pool (yes, the fish guy took me to play pool. I’m sure there’s a joke there) I agreed to go.

So the truth of the matter is, he was as cute as I had remembered. But he was also as unfunny as he sounded on the phone. He just didn’t pick up on some of my more nuanced humor… and didn’t know what a “vernacular” was.

It was a fine experience. Character building even. For once, my ballsiness paid off, even if the end result was less than stellar. I got a few free beers and some great recipes out of it and I guarantee I have made a new culinary friend for life.

Love match it was not, but I give myself an “A” for effort.


Trackbacks & Pingbacks


  1. * Katherine says:

    high five! that’s awesome even if it wasn’t mr. right.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 3 months ago
  2. At least you approached hot fish guy.
    Maybe he was nervous.
    Nothing wrong with hanging out as friends? Right?

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 3 months ago
  3. * courtneyryan369 says:

    Good job! You never know what’s going to pan out. Keep being brave…

    Remember, bad dates make for good blog fodder!

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 3 months ago
  4. Ferris Beuller would be proud. Though I must caution that dating where you shop might mean changing where you shop.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 3 months ago
  5. * A says:

    Awwww that’s disappointing that he wasn’t Mr. Right! But the world didn’t end and now you know you can take chances and be brave like that!

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 3 months ago
  6. * aBove says:

    Whenever I’ve been on a date and things start to go awry I always think to myself “Well, clearly she’s not Ms. Right, but I bet this will make for an interesting story.” Like the time a girl I went to fifth grade cussed me out, loudly, in front of the entire restaurant as I walked out on her. [trust, you would have too.] Or the time the woman I taught to use chopsticks forbade me from watching her eat.

    Reward yourself for having high standards. I prefer using bourbon for this purpose. If everyone met them, they wouldn’t be very useful. If you didn’t, you’d probably be creepily cuddled in the arms of Wackjob McTextalot [of the Virginia McTextalots, naturally.]

    Besides, a 24hr turnaround on a hottie who may or may not have smelled like salmon is nothing to be ashamed. Enjoy the blog fodder 🙂

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 3 months ago
  7. * aBove says:

    With. I went to fifth grade *with* her. Back in the day. Didn’t pick her up there, I promise.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 3 months ago
  8. * Sam says:

    Seriously, AverageJane, what would have been worse? Having an awkward date with the boring, short non-Jewish but otherwise cute fishmonger? Or never getting called back by the boring, short non-Jewish but otherwise cute fishmonger because he didn’t think it was worth his time?

    Mainly I’m trying to make this point because I feel marginally guilty for saying you should call him in response to the previous post.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 3 months ago
  9. * Sarah says:

    Even though it didn’t work out, I just had to tell you that I’m seriously impressed. I probably would have just listened to the voicemail numerous times and never actually called back. Way to have balls, woman!

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 3 months ago
  10. * Ivan says:

    I’ve tried to type it in a more pleasant way before. But now, after a few beers/ruùm/vodka/stuff taht taste kinda weird, I gotta say: What’s with the dating thing? Like why would you wanna be with people you know nothing about? You need nto work out a way to find new circles, and befriend people you actually feel good with.

    Dating doesn’t work, I give you this hint for free ’cause it’s not like it’s the best kept secret in the universe…

    don’t waste your time on “good/okay looking guys, probably jew” you should be wtih someone btter, like, fitter or err… You realyy deserve someone special. In the meantime, don’t listen to your vagina anymore, get a dildo ifyou have to. And be ready when HE wirh capital letters comes about.

    with a hardly describable amount of friendship, from france, frenchship You could call it I guess.

    a fan.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 3 months ago
  11. * Becca says:

    Whoa, you are my hero!

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 3 months ago
  12. * Ivan says:

    drunk comments ftw.

    although I might have put it some other way, especially third paragraph>_>… I stand by the point I’ve attempted to make. Save for the typing slurs.

    My head hurts <_<.

    the same fan.

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 3 months ago
  13. * freckledk says:

    Hey – you wanted him, you got him. It’s okay if you don’t want him anymore – you can just throw this one back.

    Sorry. Fishmonger/Fish in the Sea. It was just too easy…

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 3 months ago

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