Average Jane

Breaking up… with my Chocolate

… a day too fucking soon.

I stood in my kitchen last night, hand in the box of chocolate covered matzah — the last moderatly non-healthy thing left in my small but sexy kitchen.  My Rabbi mentioned at Yom Kippur that often we rush to do naughty things, like if I eat the whole bag of candy now, I won’t be able to eat it throughout the day tomorrow. So it’s better to just… get it over with. Right?

And that’s where I found myself last night, presented with a quandry: Eat the box of matzah now, or THROW IT AWAY AND STOP BEING TEMPTED!

I shoved a few pieces in my mouth as I emptied the rest of the bag into the trash can. I couldn’t be tempted by it, and clearly I couldn’t resist. My mom insisted she buy it, asking the third time, “Are you sure you don’t need anything for Passover? I’m here with your Grandma. She wants you to have something.” No, mom. I’m ok. “Are you really sure? Because Grandma wants me to get you some matzah.” Fine, mom. Spelt matzah if you find it. “OK. I’ll get you spelt matzah.”

Did you know that spelt matzah looks a lot like matzah farfel, potato latke mix, a box of not-spelt matzah, and 2 boxes of chocolate covered spelt matzah… and 50 coupons for stuff I don’t want or need.  She gets 1/2 point for effort and 1/2 point for buying something with the word “spelt” in it. Unfortunately I must take away 75 points for being a royal pain in the ass and another 100 points for insisting that I not throw away a pair of fat-pants “just in case” about 3 years ago. Yeah, I tend to hold a grudge.

Shockingly enough, it was that very mother of mine that sent me into a whirlwind looking for anything to stress eat at 10:00 tonight. The 5th conversation we had in the last 6 days on the exact same subject (Getting rid of furniture at the old apartment. Need some? Inquire within.) led to me fuming yet acquiescing to doing something I really had no intention nor desire to do. I turned to the Cultural Commentator for advice. “This totally qualifies for a reason to stress eat, right?” “Absolultely, break out the emergency chocolate,” she replied. Except I didn’t have any emergency chocolate. I shoveled it/trashed it last night. Stress eating fail.

Not to mention, I’ve given up Splenda, so anything I eat will have to be for-real-sugar or Agave syrup, and I’d have to come up with something to put it on. I stood in my kitchen in disbelief that my attempt at stress eating was stressing me out!

I never thought that my healthy lifestyle would challenge me so. I’ve been battling this late night eating thing for weeks now and tonight was going to be the night I didn’t shove something in my mouth after dinner (and no, that is not what she said). Fail. Complete fail.

The third spin around my kitchen, technically a pivot from my fridge to my cupboard, I settled on a Wegman’s pickle plus peanut butter, agave syrup, and cinnamon on spelt matzah which incidentally is the box I had to BUY MYSELF because it was the ONLY thing my mom DIDN’T get me on her little pre-pesach shopping spree with Grandma.

I will relax. I will relax because if I do not relax I will cry terrible big sloppy tears. I cry for my mom more than I cry for myself these days. I want to make it better, but I’ve finally added my parents to the list of things I cannot fix: My parents, and death.  And really, I bet death is the easier fix in the end.


Trackbacks & Pingbacks


  1. * Dragon says:

    I found your site by searching for chocolate matzoh (what can I say, I’ve got a craving and I don’t feel like making it myself). We all have parents like this, parents we can’t fix. The only thing to do is give them specifics (“spelt matzoh”), accept what they give us in return (“non-spelt matzoh”), and bitch to our friends about it 🙂

    And never ever ever toss all of your stress-eating goodies. *Always* keep a reserve stash. You know – just in case 😉

    | Reply Posted 9 years ago

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: