Average Jane



Mothers and the Zen of Jewish Dating

A recent conversation with Mama Jane:

Average Jane: I went on a date last night, mom.

Mom: Oh, yeah? (This is where she waits for me to say…)

Average Jane: He was Jewish, too.

Mom: That nice, Jane. (I can feel warm glow of the hope of Jewish babies emanating through the phone line.)

Average Jane: Yeah! He was normal, too. His name was G.

Mom: Oooh… I like the sound of him!

Let’s pause for just a moment. So far, all I have shared with my mom is that a) I went on a first date, b) His name was G, c) He wasn’t a socially retarded recluse (aka “normal”). What does my mom hear, “I’M GONNA GET JEWISH GRANDBABIES!!!!”

My mom’s dating advice is notoriously awesome.  And my dating escapades are entertaining at the very least. Given that my retarded brother is dating a retarded evangelical christian girl (yes, new readers, they are actually retarded), my mom is just happy that the girl can tolerate him, and that they aren’t making retarded babies… yet. But me? My dating life is an endless string of first dates, second dates, possible dates, bad dates, and, I mean theoretically, good dates, too. But the ratios are WAY off there.

The Denver Coffee Blogger said to me, “Jane, ya know my favorite blog posts were the ones about JDate.” He reminded me of every friend that says, “Go on that date with the guy you’re not into. We’d love to read about how bad it is.” Aww… thanks guys. My future book publisher will surely thank you for the material. But alas, dear readers, I haven’t been on JDate for months. Not since the Cop-tastrophe.

My lack of JDating has led to an interesting new phenomenon: J-Rage. The conversations all starts out so innocently…

Average Jane: Man, my dating life has been distinctly lackluster. I can’t find any good Jewish guys in DC! None that are normal, cute, and appropriately heighted.

Unsuspecting Friend: Ugh. I can understand. It’s tough out in the dating world. Hey – have you tried JDate?

Average Jane: (Wait for it….) Yes. I fucking have tried JDate and it fucking sucks. The men are there to get laid, and are creepy, and weird looking and short and every JDate I have been 0n has been a fucking disaster, and…

Victim of JRage: Oh my, well it’s just that I know some couples who met on JDate and they seem really happy…

Average Jane: Well that is GREAT! I mean, I do, too! And they are perfect and adorable and in love, and also not fucking “Me” because each douchebag I meet on JDate is slightly more fucking AWESOMEly douchey than the next!!!!

Now Cowering Friend: Oh. Um. So. I mean. I’m sure you’ll meet someone.

JRage is like Roid Rage. Minus the penis shrinking steroids. OK – so maybe not like that at all. But um. Moving on.

I have taken to asking boys who have been on JDate about why they hate it so much (and yet keep going back). Their response: The girls are boring. Or gold diggers. But mostly boring. Very. Interesting. Because I may be completely insane, but boring I am not. The funny thing is, when I follow up with, “well why do you keep going back on there?” their response is typically, “Well, I was bored.”

And so it goes, and so it goes. The finest awkward Jewish men in DC cruising JDate, bored out of their minds, hoping to find the woman of their dreams. And the women, the best and apparently boringest, wait patiently to be picked. I really hope those particular “successful” JDate couples come up with better stories than “I was bored” before the wedding toasts.

Shabbat Shalom 🙂

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Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. JDateless and Loving It « Average Jane pingbacked on 6 years, 7 months ago

Comments

  1. * Jake says:

    I feel your pain.

    I think that we should take all the short guys outside and kill them.

    Nothing but a worthless waste of space, I say let’s abort them after the fact.

    They’ve got a lot of nerve thinking that they deserve a woman.

    Especially such a fine specimen as yourself.

    | Reply Posted 8 years, 1 month ago
  2. * Debra says:

    I thought this was a cute post 🙂

    From now on, I will beware your J-Rage…yipes!

    | Reply Posted 8 years, 1 month ago
  3. * liz says:

    Hilarious, well done. I’ve been on match.com forever, and the rage is creeping in too. O, internets…

    | Reply Posted 8 years ago
  4. * Average Jane says:

    Well, you are one hell of a socially retarded person too.

    You would never ever get along with someone like you.

    Work on your issues, take on responsability, don’t be such a child.

    Another feminist who will remain chidless, lonely and bitter.

    Sounds like you feminists are not destined to procreate. Nature doesn’t want you around, do you understand?

    Bye.

    | Reply Posted 7 years, 5 months ago
  5. * Robbie says:

    JDate fucking sucks. I’m a nice, normal guy with a good job (I’m an attorney). I paid a shitload of money for a subscription to JDate – and I didn’t get a single response. I’m an average looking guy who just wants to meet a normal girl. I just don’t know what the fuck these fucking prissy ass jews are looking for? I’m not just looking to fuck – I want an actual relationship and nobody seems to give a shit. Fuck that site and fuck jewish girls. If I’m not good enough, good luck finding prince charming.

    | Reply Posted 4 years, 4 months ago


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