Average Jane

Lost: One Box of Condoms — An Open Letter to the Cosmos

Dear Cosmos,
I get it. You’ve been pretty good about reminding me that my sex life is your little inside joke. You introduce me to amazing boys about to go on two-week vacations to tropical places with lots of drunk, easy women. You whisper, “don’t bother shaving your legs” to me while preparing for the one night on the town when I meet a boy worth meeting. YOU MADE ME A RETARDED HEIGHT! But really cosmos? Did you have to lose my box of condoms?

I bought the box long enough ago that it’s depressing they aren’t all used yet, but not long enough ago to have expired. I think. See, I can’t check because I can’t find them. Could they have been lost in the move? Could they have been taken as a parting gift by one of my friends who moved me? Most likely not the latter.

See, Cosmos, there are two possible bad endings to this story: 1) I don’t get laid because I don’t have any condoms. We all know that the only time I get offers is when I am completely unprepared anyway, so maybe this is a good thing? No. No, probably not.  2) Next time I move, my mom will find them and I’ll die. And my blog readers will miss me. And it’ll be your fault.

I know, I know. Go buy another box. And I will. But COME ON. Throw me a friggen bone here. Or don’t. Because if you do I WOULDN”T BE ABLE TO DO ANYTHING WITH IT! *Le Sigh*

Yours truly,

Celibate Jane


Trackbacks & Pingbacks


  1. Well, at least if you re-disappear, we’ll know to look towards your mom first.

    | Reply Posted 8 years, 9 months ago
  2. * Katherine says:

    I’d do anything to be as tall as you are. And I’m not short!

    Now go around the corner to the nearest retailer, and buy a box.

    Someone Who Never Bought a Box

    | Reply Posted 8 years, 9 months ago
  3. * Eva says:

    Why is it exactly that women shave all their body hair off while men keep it all? This seems like a vast injustice to me. There should be some equality here. Either men should pick up the razor more often or women should just stop shaving. I never understood this. I could work myself into a full feminist rant right now, but I won’t and will go back to dissecting this current trust problem.

    | Reply Posted 8 years, 9 months ago
  4. * unfrozencaveman says:


    I shave my face, trim my bush, and pluck my nipple hairs. What more do you want?

    | Reply Posted 8 years, 9 months ago
  5. * Smart Duck says:


    A girl with a box of condoms is a big turn off for any man. Let them bring their own.

    | Reply Posted 8 years, 6 months ago

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