Average Jane


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My advice is worth what you pay for it

I am the black widow of relationships.

So far, I have recommended that not one, but two of my colleagues break up with their girlfriends, and so far both have taken my advice. Or taken very similar advice to that which I had provided in very close proximity my giving of the same advice.

Someone should have warned these boys to never take my advice.

My aunt came home from a lovely weekend away with a cousin of mine whose husband passed away about two years ago. She is now dating his roommate from college who apparently has been in love with her since back in the day. My aunt says she is happy. I say she doesn’t know how to be alone.

And so it goes down the list. If it were up to me, I guarantee I’d break up relationship I ever came across. It’s a sweet little habit, really — one that reeks of loneliness and grinchiness. Green suits me. What can I say?

It’s truly not that I don’t want people happy. I just don’t want people un-happy. Or with someone un-happy. Or bringing the un-happy down on me. Or in my direction. Or in my vicinity. Or slightly-larger-than-vicinity.

I just like to show people that they don’t have to be in relationships that don’t work, or ones that they have to work far too hard for diminishing returns. I usually get to play this game with my girlfriends (and God help me, please give me strength not to do this to my boss) but for whatever reason, I seem to have far more gentle-man-friends up here in Philly which means I get to play homewrecker with a whole new demographic.

*takes a deep breath* I can smell the comments coming now… Go on. Let ‘er rip. You’re all probably right.

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