Average Jane



A Garden State of Mind

Such was that happy garden-state,
While man there walked without a mate.

I didn’t know that the movie Garden State was based on a poem. Not that I spent much time pondering the deeper meaning of the quirky little indie flick with a perfect little soundtrack.

To me, it was a movie about “finding.” Finding his way back home. Finding his mother’s pendant. Finding his way. Finding himself. Finding love. Finding out he couldn’t do it alone… or at least didn’t want to.

At 30, I’m finding that I do. Or maybe I do.

As I sit by the phone, the phone that is more portable and powerful than any communication device known to man, I question every ounce of my being. “Who are you?! More importantly, Jane, who is he that he’s got you wrapped around his sticky little finger after what, a date? A brief encounter at a bar?” No one. He is no one. He’s one of the string of no ones that I run across and give a little piece of myself to all while claiming resilience and independence. Ranging against the dating machine.

I am miserable when I am dating. Miserable. The game, the waiting. The “I can’t text him because he hasn’t texted me.” The “I couldn’t have done anything wrong, I haven’t seen him in three days.” The questioning, the posturing, the palpable nonchalance that I’m sure has been my undoing.

It’s not lonely, my solitude. It’s lonelier with someone who isn’t there. I am happier when I am alone, in my uncomplicated garden. Maybe it’s the familiarity. Maybe it’s inertia. Maybe it’s just that I’m meant to be this way.

I don’t have a wedding. I don’t have a dress picked out. I don’t know where I want to go on my honeymoon or what flowers the groomsmen will wear in their lapel. I’ve never had a partner in my future. And while I mourn it, I think I’m finding peace.

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Comments

  1. * terra says:

    I just want to say that this post is lovely. There are things I’m not going to have either, and I’m trying to figure out if I’m okay with it all, if I’m okay finding a diffrent path.

    | Reply Posted 5 years, 7 months ago


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