Average Jane



Not before 9, gentlemen

Elevator banter has gotten me into trouble before. It’s not an easily navigable situation, what with the whole “being trapped in a 4×6 or so box with perfect strangers” thing.

Take this exchange not a month ago in which I was talking to my coworker in the elevator when super hot Jeep guy joined us on the lift:

Average Jane to Colleague: So, I hear your lackey is starting Monday.

Colleague: Lackey?

AJ: Yeah, you know, like, your, um…

Hot Jeep Guy: Bitch.

AJ: Ha! Yeah. Your bitch.

C: (nervously) Yeah. Hehehe.

HJG: Well, that’s what it is!

AJ to HJG: Yeah. That’s what I’ll call you from now on. Bitch. Hehe.

Hot Jeep Guy looks at me with some concern and confusion.

HJG: Um, ok.

AJ: Aren’t you Jeep Guy?

HJG: Um…. He gets off the elevator.

Now, you all know me. I am not, how we say, good with the brain filter. But that just takes the cake. I called quite possibly the hottest guy who works in my building “bitch” and offered to continue calling him this as a term of endearment. Idiot.

Anyway, this just goes to show that I am not exactly a glowing example of the mastery of elevator banter. (As a note, I happen to have impeccable metro banter. This skill is key: When to talk. When to innocently eye-flirt. When to leave someone the F alone. Master. Me. Respect.)

But today I was on the receiving end of awkward elevator banter, actually starting innocently enough just before getting on around 8:31am, my typical arrival time to work.

I approach the elevator, there is a mildly attractive, moderately older than me Asian guy waiting for its impending arrival.

Tall Asian Guy: Morning.

Average Jane: politely nods

TAG: You look like a 4th floor person. Are you a 4th floor person?

AJ: notices a faint Australian accent. I am. whips out keycard to push 4th floor button.

TAG: clearly (hopefully) trying to be witty Man, I’m just a lowly 2nd floor guy. How do you think I could become a cool 4th floor person like you?

AJ: Oh, it’s hard.

TAG: You think I could do it?

AJ: It’s really not that easy. Takes time.

TAG: Yeah, I bet. cheesy grin.

AJ: Patience and time. Like the song.

TAG: Ha! We get to the 2nd floor and he gets off. By the way, I’m Andrew.

AJ: Alright!

So, initially I thought he was just making friendly/awkward/unnecessary elevator conversation. But upon further examination, I kinda thing I was hit on. At 8:30 in the morning. BEFORE MY COFFEE!

Had it been just annoying banter, I don’t think name exchange is typical or appropriate. The anonymity of the elevator encounter is what makes banter even mildly acceptable. But the name exchange? Highly suspect.

I mean, never mind the whole hitting-on-someone-in-an-elevator thing, but who does this before 9am? Before the toothpaste taste has even left your mouth? Before the last eye booger has been found and stealthily removed?

Perhaps I am completely misguided (I mean, we all know I’m romantically retarded), but I am pretty sure someone actually hit on me, in an elevator, before 9:00 in the friggen morning.

Geez, gentlemen. You never cease to amaze me.

Update: So. Lunchtime. Some guy in a white blazer comes strolling out of the building just as I’m telling my 3 female colleagues about TAG. Lo and behold, it’s him. It took him not 5 minutes to spot us and saunter over, plopping himself down on the picnic bench and inserting himself into our conversation. The first thing he does is point out that he is single handedly bringing back the Don Johnson look of the 80s. Because that was cool, right? White blazer. Bright blue collared shirt. Matching blue watch (from Nordstrom Rack, he tells us).

He speaks in a strange cadence, waiting for us to find him witty and charming between every breath he takes. He waits a long time as none of the ladies nor I find him charming. Ever the opportunist, he begs us to tell him what we do and asking what jobs are available for him. Clearly, I have “HR” tattooed across my forehead.  Right next to “sucker”.

We did that thing where he says something stupid and we give a snide remark, hoping he’ll get the point and leave. He doesn’t. Rather, he waits until I inform the troops that “happy hour” is over and we have to go back inside. And he follows us. Inside. He stands in the elevator facing us, another memo he clearly missed. When he gets off on the 2nd floor the 4 of us crack upm promptly renaming him CrAG: Creepy Asian Guy. Otherwise known as BrAG: Brazen Asian Guy. Otherwise known as…. Clueless.


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Comments

  1. * DC Dude says:

    If he was Leonardo DiCaprio, would you mind getting hit on before 9 AM?

    If he was Leonardo DiCaprio, I’d pinch myself, make sure I’m really awake, and then try to get him to turn into Jake Gyllenhaal.

    | Reply Posted 7 years, 2 months ago
  2. * Jo says:

    Oh, that’s awesome!

    I hate getting hit on in elevators, there’s nowhere to run!

    I KNOW! Boys are SO brazen, too!

    | Reply Posted 7 years, 2 months ago
  3. * Belle says:

    <i>Before the last eye booger has been found and stealthily removed?</i>
    You got me laughing. Before 10 a.m. Now that’s an achievement.

    YAY! I am so happy I made you chuckle. My day is now complete.

    | Reply Posted 7 years, 2 months ago
  4. * acerbic says:

    So many women in DC complain about <i>not</i> getting hit on. And you’re complaining about <i>getting hit on</i>? Plus, you’re getting hit on while sporting eye boogers, and you’re still complaining? Come on, AJ…
    Geez, ladies. You never cease to amaze me. Trust me, someday, someday sooner than we all think, we’re going to reach a point where we become completely invisible to the a vast majority of the opposite sex (or, at least, the team you’re playing for). And getting hit on won’t be a problem. Getting acknowledged will.

    First of all, you’re assuming that women are rational and “sensical”. Sensible. We’re not. I promise you. We want to be hit on, but we want to be hit on by the guys that we’re interested in, not the jerks who tend to be the brazen ones. I have my theories on why these socially awkward guys have no problem hitting on women, but that’s for another post another time.

    On your second point, I think we are invisible to each other most of the time. Getting acknowledged as a human being is different than being hit on in a man’s nightly quest for a piece of ass.

    | Reply Posted 7 years, 2 months ago
  5. * Arjewtino says:

    <i>Before the last eye booger has been found and stealthily removed?</i>
    And here I thought I was the only one.

    No way, many. those things are the WORST!

    | Reply Posted 7 years, 2 months ago
  6. What is it with that George Harrison song!?
    And, you never cease to amaze me l’il sister.

    The day I cease to amaze you is the day I turn in my resignation. What h’m resigning from I don’t quite know. Probably dating. Or maybe i just have to stop being your little sister which would be a bummer because that grants me so many benefits, like making fun of you and giving you noogies and punching you in the stomach and stuff.

    | Reply Posted 7 years, 2 months ago
  7. * freckledk says:

    Sounds like he was flirting with you. Was he cute? Cute enough, anyway?

    OK, so he totally is “cute”, I mean, he’s not “uncute”. He’s also a tiny bit clueless. Bless his Australian heart.

    | Reply Posted 7 years, 2 months ago
  8. * Gunfighter says:

    Hmm.
    He could have been from Hong Kong as well… the accent is similar.
    In my single days, hitting on a woman before 9 AM was frequently met with success. Why wait for Happy Hour and booze, eh?
    GF

    Nope. Totally Austrailian. He said so. Plus, this particular accent is unmistakable. I guess the element of surprise is something to take into consideration, and had he not been so creepy… in all honesty… it may have worked.

    | Reply Posted 7 years, 2 months ago
  9. * Packherd says:

    For some guys it’s a weekly quest. Not everyone can work at such a breakneck pace as CrAG.

    4 girls at one time. it was like shooting fish in a bucket or whatever the expression is =)

    | Reply Posted 7 years, 2 months ago
  10. * WiB says:

    Just look at it this way: whenever you think you’re bad at something, remember that there are plenty of people out there worse at it than you. And sometimes, you actually meet those people.

    | Reply Posted 7 years, 2 months ago
  11. * Ms. Tart says:

    I make a habit of sleepwalking into work, so my reflexes are definitely not ready for flirtation at that hour. Which is sad, because Jake Gyllenhaal DID magically appear, trying to respond positively to him would be as difficult as trying to respond negatively to some creep.

    | Reply Posted 7 years, 2 months ago
  12. * matt says:

    Another funny Jew! ;)

    | Reply Posted 7 years, 2 months ago
  13. Ohhhh, office banter. You are by far the lowest kind of banter. How can I become a cool 4th floor person? You gain access by jumping from the roof and swinging in the window, a la Tarzan-Humping-Spiderman. Go ahead a try, my friend. I’ll be by the watercooler.

    | Reply Posted 7 years, 2 months ago
  14. * Sam says:

    I feel like I saw this happen earlier this week! Now I’m going to wonder if you work in my building or if this whole awkward asian guy hitting on a cute girl in the elevator thing is just a universal thing.

    | Reply Posted 7 years, 2 months ago
  • * Alex says:

    I would argue that it wasn’t the time of day that was at issue in the hitting-on, it was the way it was done. He started off at lame, and by the second encounter, descended to creepy. If you had been properly hit on (and admittedly, there are vastly higher standards for propriety at 8:30 am) you would not have minded the early hour and the lingering eye boogers.

    | Reply Posted 7 years, 2 months ago
  • * cc says:

    Personally, I’ve got to commend Creepy Asian Guy for taking that all important first step towards building his Daytime Game. Albeit an awful, early, and still banterous attempt, he did give it a shot, and can you blame him?

    As fate (and HR) would have it, I see absolutely no women in the office and thus cannot practice these all important potentially job affecting skills on a daily basis.

    His skills need work, but maybe he’s onto something…

    | Reply Posted 7 years, 1 month ago


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