The Facebook DTR

It was the Myspace Offensive. Ripped from my spot atop the Ex-Ex’s Top 8, I knew our relationship had ended. Not only I lost my throne, I had been replaced by his Ex… “The Ex.” The one who sat at #2 until that fateful day. (You see, they were still friends.) He was now “single”. Officially. I know this because his relationship status said so. He was mad. I had broken his heart. I, however, was behind the eight ball. I was still “in a relationship”. He was still my “#1”. Two clicks and the messiest part of our breakup was over.

As if relationships needed any more awkward defining moments… You see, my intense and amazing month-long relationship is over. Many of you already know this because at some point after the determination was made that it wasn’t going to work, I had to change my Facebook status to reflect the fact that I was now “not in a relationship.” Facebook wastes no time, alerting all of your friends that you’re now, yet again, single. Next to a sad little pink broken heart, “Average Jane is no longer in a relationship.” Cheers.

So then the messages start pouring in. “Are you ok?” Yeah. “Oh, I saw you broke up, and I, uh, well I just wanted to check in.” Thanks. I’m fine. “OK, well if you want to talk about it…” Yeah, no. I’m good. Thanks.

The breaking up on facebook was easy compared to the process of getting into a relationship. See, when you get into a relationship, your request has to be approved. The new Ex and I had had the talk. We decided that yes, I was his girlfriend. I was elated. I wanted to tell everyone! But did he? What if I changed my status but he wasn’t ready yet!

So, I waited. A few days, actually, and then, in my coyest of ways, asked, “So, is it, um, OK if I, like, change my facebook status to ‘in a relationship?’” OK. I’m a 12 year old. Whatever.

His response was what I had hoped. “Why would I mind?” Rad. So I checked the little box and poof. No longer single. Except… I got a message saying, “A message has been sent to ____ requesting confirmation of your relationship” or some such nonsense. I was petrified. What if he rejected my request? What would that mean?

To my credit, this was not an unreasonable concern. At dinner last night I was told a story of a guy who sent a relationship request to my girlfriend without asking and was rejected. Now, she had good reason for rejecting him, and it wasn’t a sign of a relationship doomed, but still…

While my request was approved, the relationship just wasn’t meant to be. Not now, anyway. And yes, I’m fine. The worst part is having to admit to everyone publicly that it was over. My friends had been so happy for me. They loved seeing me happy. And now, not only did my friends know that it was over, but my coworkers knew, my cousins knew, people who met me that one time and added me as a friend because it’s the “cool” thing to do know.

When did this happen? When did Myspace and Facebook become the ultimate determiner of relationships? When did they get such power? The discussion last night revolved around whether you should ever set your relationship status period just to avoid having to deal with the issue. But what if you don’t set yours and your significant other changes theirs?

Gah. I think we have finally entered the age of “too much information”. I now know everything that my friends go through during the day. Their mood, their activities, when they join and leave “groups” like the “My mom beats me and I like it” group, or the “I’m a werewolf and proud” group. I know when their musical taste changes: “Removed ‘Justin Timberlake’ from their favorite music”. Thanks. I’ll take that Future. Sex. Love. Sound. CD back, kthanksbye.

Maybe there should be a Menstruation Application so the world can know when I’m on the rag. Or a BeatDown Application so my friends know when to steer clear. Announce that to the world, Facebook.

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