Average Jane

So… before I embarrass myself

“Ok, so… just so I don’t really embarass myself, I was curious to know… are you seeing someone?”

With those words I kind of threw myself into the fire. My heart beat a little faster than it should have been. I hit “send”.

Let me back up. After confirmation from my crew of fine ladies, it was decided that he was, in fact, flirting. And, further, that he more than likely had no girlfriend. With that under my belt, I decided to text him to see if he wanted to grab that coffee he promised me. Within moments, I got a response. “What a great idea! What time can you be there?” With a few additional exchanges, our plans were set, and at the aforementioned time, I arrived looking cute yet completely breezy. No effort went into the meticulous outfit selection. None at all.

He’s there when I arrive, and we commence with coffee selection. I go to order my coffee only to find out that “the gentleman has taken care of it”, apparently leaving his credit card with the cashier.  Surprised and delighted, I went back to the couch to continue our evening.

An hour and a half later, it was time to go. I was tired, exhausted really, from dancing around what I knew, and what he didn’t know I knew… that I had my suspicions he was taken.  His conference call called early, which lead to an awkward goodbye, but within moments he called me to apologize. Told me he’d write me later. And he did. But then I had to go.

Hours later, he writes me again. The moment had finally come. If I didn’t know the answer, I’d regret it.

“Ok, so… just so I don’t really embarass myself, I was curious to know… are you seeing someone?”

His response finally came: “Yes. I noticed you hinting at the subject. Yes. I am. What made you think I was?”

With my heart in my stomach, my head in a million places, I was surprised by his surprise.

“I wish I could claim rocket science but it was facebook. I actually knew before we went out tonight but I thought I might as well take my chance.”

I didn’t know what I expected him to say. But this is what I got: “I hadn’t brought it up (yet) because I wasn’t sure of where you were coming from either… for certain, I would have brought it up when/if it became appropriate / a potential conflict that would be unfair to anyone.” 

I can’t say I’m surprised. I also can’t say not disappointed. He went on to say it was a new relationship and it’s a bit of a strange circumstance that he’d be glad to tell me in person if I wanted to hear it.

Hey guys? We don’t want to hear. I promise.

The rest of the conversation veered off into the realm of all things not related to the first half of the conversation.

If I hadn’t JUST shared with you all on Friday night how cursed I am… If I hadn’t just poured out my desire to find someone who wants to be with me, and only me. Not me because I’m there and she’s not… Not me because I’m what she’s not. But me for me.

I am not embarrassed. I was true to myself. I had to know. Again, I put myself out there. He wouldn’t have told me and I know that. But I had to know. I don’t play games… I don’t know how. He appreciated that. He said so. I guess I can rest assured… Rest assured, and alone.

Throughout the past few months, you all have been there for me. You have guided me and my dating decisions. You’ve encouraged me in good time, and propped me up in hard times. I just wish, for your sake, that one of these guys stuck around longer than two posts. Might make your head spin a little less, and after all, that’s why I’m here. For you. And your non-spinny heads.

On another way happier note: I’m still sick. But hopefully soon we’ll find out what’s wrong. I make that appointment tomorrow.


Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. Economy of Relationships « Average Jane pingbacked on 10 years, 8 months ago


  1. I wouldn’t obsess too much about it. Consider this like “randori”–practice sparring which is intended to improve your skillz, but not against an opponent who is trying to win. If you weren’t going on these randori dates, then when you met someone you did like, your conversation would be awkward, you would spit when you talk or spill your drink on him etc. You went out on a date, it felt less awkward than the last date, and you didn’t get hurt from the process. That’s good.

    When you do randori in judo, there is no score because the goal is not to win, but just to keep practicing and getting better for the day when it counts. Good luck with your randori, Jane-san.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 8 months ago
  2. * TSG says:

    I’m new here. I don’t know the whole back-story. Maybe my $0.02 will be fresh. Maybe not. So you met a guy that you hit it off with but it didn’t work out. It happens. The point is that you are getting out there and meeting people. Kudos for the bit about randori. That’s the worst case. Of all these great guys you meet, whose to say you bump into them in a few months when circumstances will have changed. You may not be actively pursuing them, but don’t write ’em off yet.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 8 months ago
  3. * jess says:

    I agree with all of the above that was said so well. And will only add what my pops says to me on the occasions (notice the plural :)) when I find myself wishing things had been different/lasted longer/were none of the scenarios you mention: most things aren’t supposed to work out. And it’s not about our perceived failure, but about how there are some people who are really our matches and worth the fight and others who play the games and aren’t a fit and are not.

    If only they wrote books and songs and movies about the process rather than the perfect meetings….

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 8 months ago
  4. All of this is practice, Jane. I don’t know that you would have been this far along if it weren’t for the flirting you did with the Doc, for example. Just keep your chin up and keep pluggin’ along.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 8 months ago
  5. * freckledk says:

    Just think of all of this as practice. So he has a girlfriend? That’s fine. Not every guy you meet is going to become an insta-relationship. You have to weed through the unavailables and the too availables and, eventually, you’ll get yours.

    Go out, meet people, date…or not. Make a friend. And maybe he has a friend, who has a friend, who would be perfect for you. Don’t sweat it, Kiddo. Dust yourself off and get back up!

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 8 months ago
  6. * carrie m says:

    can’t say much more than what’s already been said except that you, my dear, are awesome and wonderful in so many ways. and it’s only a matter of time till you click with someone who is ready to be clicked.

    i’m still shocked though. maybe b/c i was there. but you still rock.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 8 months ago
  7. * Patricia says:

    Frankly this guy pisses me off. I’m following along with great earnest and hope for you, but if my boyfriend ever met a girl randomly and decided to take her out for coffee, JUST to be friends, I’D KILL HIM. It’s not your fault at all! I’m sure everyone who reads your blog is racking their brains for someone to set you up with!

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 8 months ago
  8. * todd says:

    So, wait. Is no one going to mention the fact that he’s obviously way into you? I mean, if he takes you out on a date even when he “has a girlfriend,” there’s obviously a hell of a lot more at play here.

    It’s probably not worth pursuing a guy who would do that, but if you did, I bet you’d win.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 8 months ago
  9. * dailycraziness says:

    Todd’s comment is right on! Don’t give up spoon…someday your prince will come 🙂

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 8 months ago
  10. * roissy says:

    todd is right. this guy sounds like a total douche. or a dunderhead.

    what dude asks a girl out for a one on one date unless he’s looking for action?

    and if not, what dude doesn’t recognize that a date would imply certain things about your expectations and his availability?

    “i’m dating around”. the all-purpose answer. learn it, live it, love it.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 8 months ago
  11. * noelle says:

    I would have done the same thing you did if I had suspicions he was taken. After many near misses, you learn to save yourself some heartache and find these things out asap. And I agree w/ a lot of these other posts, he was definitly into you, and who wants a guy who would so quickly go out w/ another girl while he’s dating someone else..hmm cheating.. You don’t need a guy like that, b/c if he does it to one girl he’ll do it to another.

    And keep your head up, I know the feeling of having so many near misses, or just misses over and over w/ guys..I’ve had lots in the last few months too. For now I’m taking a break and being happy w/o a guy and hope that maybe he’ll find me.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 8 months ago
  12. * carrie m says:

    and let me just add that I WAS THERE. I witnessed the flirting and got the he’s-definitely-interested-vibe. I’ve already sent you the ‘he’s a douche’ email, Jane, but I’m still pissed.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 8 months ago
  13. * Arjewtino says:

    He wants to do you.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 8 months ago
  14. * Robin says:

    I don’t get this, unless his seeing someone is really very casual, but then, why couldn’t he just SAY THAT? Yeah, I suspect he IS into you. Yeah, he did, when asked, come clean. If he’s THAT into you, he can drop his other person, and persue you:) Okay, so I knew a guy who really wanted to sleep with me, or with me and his girlfriend, once claimed they’d broken up when I think she simply went out of town for a week, and he was at least honest with all of this, but it didn’t mean I had to play along (and no, we met for coffee a couple times type deal, but nothing intimate). Argh. He’s annoying me. Even if I have much bigger things to worry about right now that I’m avoiding:)

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 8 months ago
  15. * amanda says:

    Hey, I found your blog the other day and was amazed to find that we have the same curse. I was just writing about this on my own blog. I think you read the situation completely right. Chances are that even if he has this supposedly perfect woman, he’s not 100% happy with her or you wouldn’t have hung out in the first place. What is it that Chris Rock says? Men don’t have women friends, they just have women they haven’t slept with yet. That said, I think you’re doing the right thing. Backing off is probably the best way to navigate for now.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 8 months ago

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