So… before I embarrass myself

“Ok, so… just so I don’t really embarass myself, I was curious to know… are you seeing someone?”

With those words I kind of threw myself into the fire. My heart beat a little faster than it should have been. I hit “send”.

Let me back up. After confirmation from my crew of fine ladies, it was decided that he was, in fact, flirting. And, further, that he more than likely had no girlfriend. With that under my belt, I decided to text him to see if he wanted to grab that coffee he promised me. Within moments, I got a response. “What a great idea! What time can you be there?” With a few additional exchanges, our plans were set, and at the aforementioned time, I arrived looking cute yet completely breezy. No effort went into the meticulous outfit selection. None at all.

He’s there when I arrive, and we commence with coffee selection. I go to order my coffee only to find out that “the gentleman has taken care of it”, apparently leaving his credit card with the cashier.  Surprised and delighted, I went back to the couch to continue our evening.

An hour and a half later, it was time to go. I was tired, exhausted really, from dancing around what I knew, and what he didn’t know I knew… that I had my suspicions he was taken.  His conference call called early, which lead to an awkward goodbye, but within moments he called me to apologize. Told me he’d write me later. And he did. But then I had to go.

Hours later, he writes me again. The moment had finally come. If I didn’t know the answer, I’d regret it.

“Ok, so… just so I don’t really embarass myself, I was curious to know… are you seeing someone?”

His response finally came: “Yes. I noticed you hinting at the subject. Yes. I am. What made you think I was?”

With my heart in my stomach, my head in a million places, I was surprised by his surprise.

“I wish I could claim rocket science but it was facebook. I actually knew before we went out tonight but I thought I might as well take my chance.”

I didn’t know what I expected him to say. But this is what I got: “I hadn’t brought it up (yet) because I wasn’t sure of where you were coming from either… for certain, I would have brought it up when/if it became appropriate / a potential conflict that would be unfair to anyone.” 

I can’t say I’m surprised. I also can’t say not disappointed. He went on to say it was a new relationship and it’s a bit of a strange circumstance that he’d be glad to tell me in person if I wanted to hear it.

Hey guys? We don’t want to hear. I promise.

The rest of the conversation veered off into the realm of all things not related to the first half of the conversation.

If I hadn’t JUST shared with you all on Friday night how cursed I am… If I hadn’t just poured out my desire to find someone who wants to be with me, and only me. Not me because I’m there and she’s not… Not me because I’m what she’s not. But me for me.

I am not embarrassed. I was true to myself. I had to know. Again, I put myself out there. He wouldn’t have told me and I know that. But I had to know. I don’t play games… I don’t know how. He appreciated that. He said so. I guess I can rest assured… Rest assured, and alone.

Throughout the past few months, you all have been there for me. You have guided me and my dating decisions. You’ve encouraged me in good time, and propped me up in hard times. I just wish, for your sake, that one of these guys stuck around longer than two posts. Might make your head spin a little less, and after all, that’s why I’m here. For you. And your non-spinny heads.

On another way happier note: I’m still sick. But hopefully soon we’ll find out what’s wrong. I make that appointment tomorrow.

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